


Midnight Therapy

by phunWorks



Series: I Want to Be Alive When You See My Eyes [2]
Category: BLURRYFACE - Twenty One Pilots (Album), Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Child Abuse, Depression, Drug Use, Insomnia, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-09-25 08:29:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 18
Words: 26,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9811301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phunWorks/pseuds/phunWorks
Summary: Midnight, Josh calls. On weekends they sit in Tyler's car. It's normal, so normal they've nicknamed it midnight therapy because it's the only time of day they'll actually talk about what's bothering them. Does it help or does it hurt? They don't know. They just know they need it. They need each other.





	1. I've Been Thinking Too Much

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, 
> 
> This is my first fic here. Anywhere, if I'm being honest.  
> First chapter's short, others may be longer, we'll see.
> 
> I hope you guys like it.

Tyler’s phone rang at twelve. This was normal and he already knew who it was before he saw the caller ID: Josh. He answered it with little hesitation. “Hey, Josh. What’s up.”

“Nothing much. Just anxious for tomorrow,” he answered. 

“Tomorrow’s your therapy, right,” Tyler asked. 

“Yeah. I don’t know if I can do this, Ty,” he said. Josh’s voice was shaky and Tyler could hear his heavy, uneven breaths through the speaker. 

“Do you remember those breathing techniques I taught you,” Tyler asked.

“Yeah.”

“Want me to count off for you?”

“Uh-huh,” was all he could get out.

“Alright. Inhale, 1-2-3-4. Hold, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. Exhale, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7.” Tyler heard him follow his directions as he said it and then gave them five more times. 

“Thanks,” Josh said after a moment of silence. “It’s just...I don’t know if I can do this. I mean, how do I explain to someone that I’m crazy?”

“You’re not crazy, Josh. You’re sick. There’s a difference,” Tyler replied calmly. “And hey, that’s what he’s paid to do. To help those whose heads are a little messed up.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Josh went quiet for a bit. Enough time passed that when he finally spoke, Tyler jumped a little, “How’s your night going?”

“It’s going fine,” Tyler answered. He wasn’t really lying. Compared to how many bad night’s he’d been having over the past month, it really wasn’t that bad tonight. 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah, man. I’m actually doing okay.”

“Alright. I’ll catch you tomorrow at school.” 

“Alright. Night, buddy.” 

Tyler ended the call promptly afterwards. Now all he had to do was find a way to sleep. He was still in his clothes from the day, a multi-colored hoodie and black jeans. He hadn’t even taken his shoes off, yet. Sprawled out on his bed, he let his mind wander. He knew it was dangerous but it was also serene. It was the one place he could just let go. It was where he created everything. Lyrics, calm and frantic compositions. Alongside this music and poetry were scenarios. So often he’d create different stories, different fantasies of what his life could be. At first it was always so entrancing. Then it’d turn...violent. Images of him doing things he didn’t want to. Images of things that could happen to him and the people he loved. Worse than all of it were the images of things that have already happened. The dark thoughts and emotions flooded him then until he finally forced his eyes open. Taking in the surroundings of his...kitchen? He looked down and saw the empty kitchen sink in front of him, or at least it’s outline being that it was the middle of the night with only a small amount of light coming in through the blinds from the street light in front of his house. Something was in his hand, he felt his tight grip around the smooth handle loosen until the clanging from inside the sink filled his ears. Out of pure muscle memory, he flipped the switch to the florescent light above the sink. Blood. Blood on the blade and blood in the sink. Then he noticed his left forearm and six fresh horizontal cuts alongside healed scars. These ones were deep. Real deep. Tyler opened the cabinet above him and grabbed the first aid kit while holding his other arm over the sink. He opened the plastic case and grabbed the gauze. As he wrapped the fabric around his self-inflicted wounds, he cursed himself. It had been so long since his last episode. Why did he let himself think? Why did he even still do this?


	2. Because of You I Might Think Twice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frenship

Three more panic attacks, three more after the phone call with Tyler ended. Each time, Josh took out his phone and played the recording Tyler made of him instructing him on how to breathe. Tyler was always looking out for him, whether or not he even knew it, he was there. Usually, their talks lasted a lot longer than tonight’s but Josh chalked it up to Tyler being tired and Josh being especially anxious. At least, he tried to. Josh looked over back down at his phone that read 12:45. They usually got off of the phone right about now, even if they didn’t talk about anything deep. Tyler usually talked more. Was he mad at him? Did Josh do something he didn’t realize? Was he annoying him? Maybe Tyler was finally getting sick of him always calling about the same old anxiety issues night after night. Stop it, Josh. You know he’d tell you if he felt that way, he told himself. Then maybe, maybe Tyler actually wasn’t alright. What if Tyler was relapsing, again? What if his meds were failing him? What if he was about to hurt himself and he just didn’t want to tell Josh? 

Josh felt himself begin to panic again and immediately went to the recording, “Inhale, 1-2-3-4. Hold, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. Exhale, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7.” It repeated three more times until Josh felt himself relax, again. His hands still tremored and his head was still light from hyperventilating. Josh decided a shower might do him some good. He went into the bathroom across the hall and waited for the water temperature to rise before he removed his clothes and stepped in. This was his third one today, but he didn’t care. It was the one place he still felt safe in. Well, other than Tyler’s car. He always felt safe when it was just him and Tyler. He wished him and Tyler had met way before senior year. At the same time, that was when they were polar opposites. They were still pretty different in a few ways but neither of them were trying to fit into a category anymore. Tyler didn’t care about being the cool basketball jock, anymore. And Josh didn’t care about looking scary anymore. Only reason he ever did was because it kept a lot of people away from him because he was too anxious around people, but now he had Tyler. Tyler wouldn’t let anyone hurt him and in turn, Josh didn’t care how “cool” Tyler was. He was just allowed to be himself, well, both of them were.  
Josh got out of the shower and put a towel around his waist, quickly grabbing his dirty clothes and walked to his room. His clothes ended up on the floor next to his laundry basket rather than in the basket, something his mom continuously mentioned that she didn’t understand. Josh put on his sweats and t-shirt, droplets of water soaking through his shirt, and positioned himself under the covers. He grabbed his phone from his bedside table and saw he had an unread message. 

From: Tyler  
So much for going to sleep, right? I hope you’re out like a light right now. 

The message was sent about twenty minutes ago. Josh began typing his response with tired eyes.

To: Tyler  
Nope. Not that lucky. Just got out of the shower and saw your message. You able to fall asleep, yet?

From: Tyler  
Hell, no. Who do you think I am? Some sort of normy? Not tonight, apparently. 

To: Tyler  
Bad dream?

From: Tyler  
Thoughts this time.

To: Tyler  
Mind win this round?

From: Tyler  
This one but I’m gonna come back like Tyson and bite it’s ear the hell off.

To: Tyler  
As long as you get creative with it :3

From: Tyler  
Yes.

To: Tyler  
Gonna make another attempt or slug it out tomorrow?

From: Tyler  
You mean today? It’s like 2am, dude. 

To: Tyler  
Fine. Whatever, today.

From: Tyler  
Yeah, I think I’ll go another round. I’m not an insomniac like someone I know -_- I need to sleep sometime.

To: Tyler  
Alright, fren. Best of luck. I’ll cheer in your corner, sir.

From: Tyler  
|-/

To: Tyler  
|-/


	3. Addict With A Pen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't stop writing. I swear I have a problem.

From: Josh  
Hey, I don’t think I’m gonna be on the phone tonight. My therapist sent me to the pdoc today who gave me some Trazedone. Like, I’m talking 150mg. I think it’s already kicking in. Midnight therapy tomorrow in your car?

To: Josh  
That’s cool, fren. Get some sleep. 

From: Josh  
|-/

To: Josh  
|-/

10:45pm. Tyler stared at his clock but didn’t really see the clock. He was stuck thinking. His mind wasn’t right. Something was wrong and he felt it. It was like working out with a pace-maker, Tyler imagined. Sure, you could do it to a certain degree, but you felt when your heart just wasn’t going to be able to take it anymore. You could feel the strain and fragility with every beat. That’s how Tyler’s mind felt. Every thought felt like a strain on his sanity. He’d dissociated again today. Nothing like the night before but still…. This time it was during practice. He didn’t even remember having it and “woke up” in the showers at school. His coach stopped him on the way out saying something like, “Where was your head at today, Joseph?” Tyler had just shrugged. Honestly, he didn’t know because he didn’t remember. It was like temporary amnesia, or how Josh called it, “autopilot”. Josh was usually with Tyler when he got like this, he even attended Tyler’s practices when he thought Tyler was getting like that. Josh was pulled from school just before the final bell today, though. His first day with his new therapist. Tyler wondered how Josh’s dad was dealing with his son already getting on psychiatric medication. According to Mr. Dun, mind over matter was all you needed to overcome severe anxiety and insomnia. Tyler thought that Mr. Dun not being such a hard ass on Josh would probably help more than that mind over matter bullshit. Mrs. Dun just agreed with whatever her husband said and reinforced it. When Tyler had met Josh, he was barely even allowed to listen to his own music. If Josh got lower than an ‘A’ in any subject, he was punished and forced to go to tutoring sessions. After all, Josh was to become a prodigy, according to his father.  
A knock came from his bedroom door and his mother’s voice quickly followed, “Honey, I forgot to give you your night meds.” Tyler quickly went to the door and opened it. His mother stood there with a glass of water and four different prescriptions in her palm. Tyler held out his own and took the glass in his other hand. His mom’s eyes were red and puffy. She must’ve been on the phone with his dad, again. He didn’t know why she still spoke to him, he always did this to her. “I’m going to go to bed, baby. You gonna be okay for the night,” she asked. He nodded in response. “Mm ‘k, sweetheart. Get some sleep,” She said and walked off. She didn’t even stay to watch and see if he actually took his meds. Dad must’ve really done a number on her head, again. He had all week. Tyler gave it maybe another week before his dad was living with them again and having “family time” as a “changed man”. Tyler looked at the pills in his hand and tilted his hand over his office waste basket. The pills fell and Tyler downed the water. He didn’t understand it, other than the medication made him feel like he wasn’t even himself anymore. Either way, he didn’t want to take them anymore. He knew his mom wouldn’t check his waste basket. She didn’t check up on much anymore and hadn’t since he was a sophomore. His siblings and him were always impressed when she made dinner and not Tyler. In fact, he was the one who put his younger brothers and sister to bed while their mother cried on the phone in her bedroom.  
Tyler walked to the kitchen casually and put the glass in the empty sink. He slugged back to his room and went to his desk. He pulled his journal from the top drawer and began writing a poem.

 

My Beautiful Gaol

My mind takes a toll out on my soul  
Ever-growing is this hole, where I used to be whole  
The demons have stole what's left of my sanity  
Attacking the heart of me, ravaging in my tragedy  
I don't understand what's happened to me,  
Is it real or just a fallacy?  
How did I fall into this compartment of hell?  
Where I scream and I yell  
But no one can hear me or my cries  
I'm left in this coffin but I'm alive  
Buried six feet under, while I tear myself asunder  
Blood pours out of the seems, my nails are making me scream  
As they dig into my flesh, this walnut cage is an iron mess  
I gouge out my eyes so I can't see, what has become of me  
Trapped in this immanent darkness, I gently caress  
What's left of my carcass, knowing full well I deserve this  
And accepting that there is no surface  
Not for me because I'm condemned, the wood won't bend  
And I'm lost to it's enclosure, all I can do is maintain my composure  
Until my lease to the beautiful gaol is over.

 

Admittedly, he had been inspired by Poe during Creative Writing class today. Yes, he took a senior English alternative as an elective so he wouldn’t have to go without a class he could actually write in, this year. Writing had become his only outlet when he didn’t have Josh. No matter what, he always had a pen and always kept a notebook around him. He was an addict to the empty pages and the pen he used to fill them. It helped him escape the silence. His phone buzzed on the surface of his desk. Josh. Tyler quickly looked at the time. 12:26. He picked the phone up and answered. 

“A full hour and forty minutes.”

“Forty-one minutes, thank you,” Josh retorted drowsily. 

“So I take it the meds aren’t exactly working with you?”

“They make me drowsy but I keep waking up and wondering if I’m real. I’m real, right Tyler?”

Tyler laughed at this for a minute, remember his own Trazedone experience. “Yeah, man. You’re real. Promise.”

“Oh, okay.” Josh went quiet and for a minute Tyler thought he’d fallen asleep. “Hey, Tyler.”

“Yeah, man,” he answered.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be,” Tyler asked. He knew Josh had sensed something was wrong today. He always knew, somehow.

“You were off, today, in like, every class,” Josh slurred. 

“Yeah, it’s alright, though,” he lied.

“No,” Josh said. “Don’t dothat. I haate tht. Whatz goin’ on, T’ler?”

“My mom and dad, again,” he answered. “Ten bucks he’s back by the end of the week.”

“Giv’ it three dayz,” Josh came back.

Tyler laughed. His friend was about to pass the fuck out again. “Alright. Bet’s on. Now go back to sleep, Josh.”

“Mm’k,” Josh replied and Tyler hung up the phone. For a second he smiled because he loved Josh. The smile quickly faded, though because he loved Josh and just kept lying to him. He wasn’t alright. He could feel his sanity falling backwards into what it became before, maybe worse. Josh needed him, though. Not his baggage, Tyler reasoned.  
He laid back and turned the lamp off next to him. He crawled into bed with his clothes on since they helped me to feel more secure. His head comfortably placed on the pillow, Tyler closed his eyes and let his mind drift. Josh, his siblings, his mom, his dad and then…

Tyler, his voice called to his sound deprived ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this poem and have had it posted elsewhere but thought it sort of fit the story that I'm attempting to convey throughout this fic. 
> 
> Comments are always appreciated.


	4. I'll Never Be, Be What You See Inside

Tyler’s car was nice and warm by the time Josh got in. It was Friday night, about time, and it felt great to finally have a night away from his parents. He was going to spend the night over at Tyler’s tonight which meant games, movies and Taco Bell. “Your chariot and food awaits,” he said as Josh entered the car. He was holding a bag full of food from Taco Bell.

“Such a gentleman,” Josh replied, taking the bag and opening it right away. After taking a bite, he added, “I swear you’re my soulmate.”

Tyler laughed, “You know if, bro.” He began backing out of the driveway. “Hey, Josh, put on some tunes.” Josh did as directed by his driver and turned on the radio. They listened together for a minute as they left the residential neighborhood.

“What was that,” Tyler asked. Josh looked at him and shrugged. Tyler’s eyes flickered to the road and to him a few times. Was he alright? “The music needs to be louder,” he “asked”, like he was trying to play it off as a joke. “Yep, definitely needs to be louder.” With that, Tyler blasted his music and his speed increased exponentially. Tyler’s fingers were drumming along to the beat on the steering wheel when he rolled the window down.

“Tyler,” Josh shouted over the music. “It’s like thirty degrees! What are you doing?” Okay, it wasn't actually that cold by a long shot but the sudden air chilled him.

“Letting the air take me away, man,” he shouted back. Tyler lifted his hands off the wheel, one of them in Josh’s face and the other out of the window. All Josh noticed was the car drifting into the same lane as distant headlights.

“Tyler,” Josh shouted. He didn’t have to say more when Tyler grabbed the steering wheel. He was laughing hysterically.

“Dude, I’m not gonna kill us,” he shouted over the music. “Stop telling me to stay in my lane, boy!” After the car passed us, Tyler thought it’d be funny to guide the vehicle back and forth over the double yellow line, all the while singing along to the lyrics. Josh was just happy he didn’t see anymore cars on the road. “Come on Jishwa! Loosen up a bit!”

“What,” Josh asked, barely in a whisper that surely couldn’t heard over the music. Tyler surely didn’t just call Josh…

“Woohoo,” Tyler screamed out the window at some pedestrians who just looked like they might’ve soiled themselves at the sudden passerby interaction. As they entered into Tyler’s neighborhood, he seemed to sober up a bit and turned down the music. “Alright, first thing’s first when we get up there; I’m kicking your ass in Kart.”

“Pfft,” Josh replied. He was still a little startled and his hands shook slightly, but he was calming down a bit from earlier. His concern, though, didn’t fade but he opted to inquire later. “I’d like to see you try.”

“You’re on Dun,” Tyler said as they pulled into his driveway. They both hesitated slightly at the thought of leaving their sanctuary. Tyler more so and that bothered Josh.

“Your siblings still awake,” he asked, getting Tyler’s attention.

“What,” he said at first and then looked at the clock. “It’s not even ten, Josh. Of course they’re still up. Well,” he wagered. “Hopefully not Jay. He’s got an appointment tomorrow.” They sat quiet for a moment or two until Tyler finally spoke again. “You ever get this feeling that, like,” he cut off. Josh waited patiently until his friend was ready to continue. “Like you’re doomed?”

“Dude,” Josh said. “I have anxiety up the ass. I always feel like I’m doomed.” Tyler chuckled slightly at that. It quickly dissipated into more of frown.

“But beyond that,” he said. “Beyond anxiety or anything we really understand.” He stared at nothing in particular, getting increasingly lost in thought. Josh just stared at his best friend, studying him, trying to figure out just what was going on in his mind.

“Tyler,” he asked. Tyler didn’t quit staring but hummed in acknowledgement. “Are you okay?”

Tyler glanced over at Josh and then stared into a different space. He took a breath and then sighed, “I’m not sure.” He got quiet again before he turned his gaze to Josh. “How about you? How was therapy?”

“Therapy was good,” Josh answered, taking note about the subject change. He wouldn’t press Tyler. He’d tell Josh when he was ready. He never needed to be pushed before. “My dad afterwards is a different story.” Josh smiled a painful smile. It was better than crying.

“What’d he say,” Tyler asked, all of his attention on his friend now.

“He didn’t say a thing. He didn’t even look at me during all of dinner. My mom didn’t speak to me the whole time and just gave me a hug when I was walking out to you. Dad didn’t even do his usual, ‘Now I need you home tomorrow by this time to do this chore, or this internship application’.” Josh let out a slight chuckle. “Not even his usual damn criticism.” He felt Tyler’s hand on his shoulder then.

“Screw him. Josh look at me,” he said softly. Josh looked over at his friend, tears ever-threatening to escape his eyelids. “You’re getting help for an actual sickness. If he can’t see that, then he can get over himself. He can be as much of a dick as he wants.” Josh smiled and his gaze fell into his lap. “Josh,” Tyler started. Josh looked back up. “I’m proud of you, for getting help, I’m proud of you. It’s not easy, I know, but you’re doing it.” A single tear escaped down Josh’s cheek. The words were bitter-sweet. He had the disappointment of his father but all of the pride and respect of his best friend. The part that confused him, he cared more about what Tyler thought than anything his own father did. It should be the other way around but it wasn’t. If he had Tyler, he had all he needed to keep going.

Josh took a minute to compose himself and wipe his eyes of any other tears that dared to escape his eyelids. Then he cleared his throat, “So, gonna have me kick your ass in Kart?”

“Keep dreaming, buddy,” Tyler said. They exited the car and entered the Joseph household.


	5. My Pain Will Range From Up, Down and Sideways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Abuse Trigger Warning.

“I swear if you bump me off this bridge one more-” Tyler cut off as Josh ran into him with just enough to cause his character to leap off of the bridge. Right when Tyler was about to rage quit, his brother’s soft knock at his door distracted him.

“Ty,” Jay called. “The timer went off.”

“Alright, I’ll be out in a second,” he called back. When he and Josh had walked through the front door Tyler’s mom was nowhere to be found and Zack was tearing his hair out trying to take care of a hyperactive Jay and a slightly older irritable Maddy going off about Jay spilling juice in herlap. Through the chaos, the macaroni Zack had been making burnt to the pot. Tyler ended up putting in a frozen lasagna in the oven. They’d get dinner late, but at least they’d get dinner. It was a Friday, anyway, Tyler weighed. Only thing he was upset about was the fact that his mother just left without a word and overwhelmed Zack more than the kid normally was. He’d been having a hard time in school, not that she knew about it, but Tyler had been worrying about him a lot.  
Tyler dropped the controller, ignoring Josh’s taunts and cheers of winning yet another game. He went to the lasagna and set it on top of the stove. Jay had gone back to his position on the couch where Tyler had set him up with his legos and Maddy was lost in some book she’d picked up. Zack must’ve been in his room. “Hey, Maddy,” he called. “Could you get Zack for dinner?”

“Yeah,” she called back and ran down the hallway. Josh entered the kitchen and immediately began setting the table. Maddy came back in and had Jay sit at the table, afterwards taking a place of her own. Zack slumped into his chair tiredly and rested his head in his hand. Josh took his place where their mom usually sat as Tyler took the now cut and ready to serve lasagna to the table. He put a piece on each plate and then his own and finally took his seat adjacent to Josh and closest to the front door. They all dove into their food like starved dogs without a word for a minute.

“Thanks Ty,” Maddy said and was followed by a chorus of appreciation around the table. Jay’s face was a mess and Zack looked slightly more awake. 

“Zack,” Tyler said. “You doing alright?”

“Yeah,” he answered quietly. 

“That kid still messing with you,” Tyler asked instinctively. 

“It’s fine, Ty,” he said.  
“No, it’s not,” Tyler said and then added, “And I’m not eighteen, yet and we go to the same school.” 

“And the same basketball team,” Zack said under his breath. 

“What,” Tyler said angrily. “C-team or JV?” 

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does,” Tyler said. With no room for argument, Zack got quiet. The whole table was, actually. “If you don’t tell me who it is, I’ll find out anyway.”

“No, Ty.”

“I don’t even understand why you let him treat you that way,” Tyler exclaimed. “I know for a fact you could take on kids my age. Why haven’t you taken the punk out?”

Zack just shrugged and went back to eating his food. Josh looked over at Tyler and shook his head, indicating that he needed to let it go for now. Tyler obliged and finished off his plate. He started getting up and picking up the others’ plates when a knock sounded at the door. Tyler looked at it for a minute in silence. He heard laughing on the other side. No. “Maddy, clean Jay’s face in the bathroom.”

“But that’s not my-”

“Now,” Tyler ordered and looked at her with a look that signified not to question it. She took her brother’s hand and guided him to the bathroom down the hall. “Zack, go with them,” he said when the younger kids were out of earshot. Zack nodded and went back to them without question. Josh went to stand next to Tyler, which he secretly appreciated as they walked to the door. Please, no. He unlocked the knob and deadbolt but kept the chain hooked. He opened the door to the length of the chain. 

“Hey, Ty,” his mom said in a high-pitched voice. She was drunk, he could smell the liquor on her breath. “Guess who’s back.” His dad emerged into view with a smile and an even stronger scent of alcohol. Tyler began shutting the door when his dad’s boot caught it. 

“Tyler, you’ll be unlocking that chain,” he said in a commanding voice, a voice Tyler had become so trained to hear. Accustomed to what normally followed with that command. But he was frozen in the moment. That voice and those eyes -- eyes known for their inhuman and sometimes animalistic nature -- were so difficult not to obey. Not out of love, loyalty or respect. Only fear. After all, he knew what those eyes meant. At the same time, his siblings were on his mind. He needed to keep them away. Safe. He knew his dad would be back, he just hoped it’d be sober. He’d hoped his mom had had that much sense, but no. She was fucking smiling and half supporting herself on his shoulder.

“Serisly, Tyler,” she slurred. “Stop bein’ such a child.” 

With no warning, his dad slammed his weight into the chain. Tyler backed up on impulse. “Josh, lock the bathroom door behind you,” he whispered. Josh’s eyes offered protest but did what he was told anyway. The door burst open seconds later with his dad barreling towards him. Within moments, Tyler felt his dad’s iron grip around the side of his neck and his head pushed against the wall with enough force it made his ears ring. 

“Why do you never listen,” his dad whispered. “I swear, you’re the most retarded of all you little bastards.” 

“‘M sorry,” Tyler said through gritted teeth. A forceful fist to the side of his abdomen left him breathless and his dad let him drop to the floor. He heaved for breath through a familiar sting in his lower rip cage as his dad laughed above him. 

“Come on, honey,” he said to his wife. “Let’s go to the bedroom.” They walked across the living room and into their bedroom, slamming the door clumsily behind them. Tyler was still coughing and trying to breath through the pain. Yep, it was broke. Wasn’t the first time and probably wouldn’t be the last. A few moments later, he used the wall to stand and heard steps behind him. Josh put his hand under Tyler’s arm. Tyler let out a stifled noise in pain. 

“Stop, stop, stop,” he instructed urgently. Zack stood next to him and so did Jay and Maddy. Maddy’s eyes were magnified by unshed tears and Jay’s cheeks were wet from ones already released and still going. Zack just looked concerned. “Hey,” he directed at Maddy and Jay. “Hey, I’m okay. See,” he held his hands up with some pain. “I’m fine. It’s okay.” They simply nodded. “What you say we all spend the night in my room and play games?” Zack grabbed Maddy gently and began guiding her there. Josh picked up Jay and looked over to Tyler who just nodded in appreciation. Josh went back to Tyler’s room and Tyler stood there for a minute before walking back there himself. When he did, everyone was on the floor and Zack had set up some pillows for Tyler to lay comfortably. He did without a word as Josh distracted the kids with Mario Kart. Tyler nodded to Zack after he lay down painfully, trying to signify that he was fine without having to say anything. His ribs hurt and he was rapidly developing a migraine. He closed his eyes to Zack locking the door and the four of them playing.


	6. Get Up Johnny Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely a short chapter but I had to leave it where it felt right.

It was close to one in the morning when Josh’s eyes flickered open. His neck hurt, along with his back. He’d fallen asleep against Tyler’s bed with his legs crossed and a controller in his hand. The ‘64 was still on and the image was the character pick menu. Over to his left, Jay was curled up asleep in the gaming chair with a pillow, stuffed animal and an extra comforter. Maddy was sprawled on the floor below him with a pillow and a thin blanket. On his right, Chris had fallen asleep against his older brother’s dresser, with a pillow behind his head and his mouth slightly agape. Just how he left everyone. He craned his head around and saw Tyler wincing and sitting up painfully. Josh stood up as fast as his stiff legs would allow him. “Ty,” he whispered. “You alright?” Josh knew that was a stupid question, of course he wasn’t alright. His dad just came back, not even waiting a full two minutes before already laying hands on him. Soon enough he’d do to the other kids and their mother. Tyler knew that and Josh knew it was his worst fear that came to life so many times in the past. History liked to repeat itself. Aside from just the emotional anguish he was sure his friend was in, Tyler’s head had multicolored skin from his temple down to his brow. The worst was definitely at his temple, though, and Josh wouldn’t be surprised if he had a concussion. 

Tyler nodded in response and then looked around. “Is everyone alright?”

“They were shaken up pretty bad but Zack and I calmed them down,” Josh answered. Honestly, he was sure the younger kids were scared to their core, not just because their father was back but because they remembered the last time he went after Tyler. It scared Josh, too. In fact, if it wasn’t for taking some Ativan, he’d probably be having panic attacks until he passed out. He still felt anxious but it was manageable. “I got you some water earlier, but didn’t want to wake you.” Josh grabbed the glass from the bedside table, stepping over Zack’s leg. Tyler took the glass and a few drinks before he put it back on the table.

“Thanks, Josh,” he whispered. He got quiet then. At first, it was like he was listening to someone talk to him or something. His face tensed and loosened, his eyes blinked and he head moved as if he was trying not to look at something. Josh knew that it wasn’t actually what he saw. These were the calmer, less violent symptoms Tyler had when his mind wasn’t here. When it was lost in some past moment. Lost in a torturous nightmare, except it wasn’t a nightmare, it actually happened. It was real, sometimes more real that his current reality, was how Tyler had described it once. 

“Hey, Ty,” Josh whispered softly. Tyler blinked and looked up at him. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” Tyler just nodded and took a deep breath in the same method he’d taught Josh. 

“Are you okay,” he asked right after. He was looking directly into Josh’s eyes. 

“Anxious, but I’ll be fine,” Josh answered simply. 

“Talk to me,” Tyler said. “I know how bad this is. And how bad this looks.” He pointed to his head at that. “And I know what it’s done to you before. So, talk to me.” He patted the bed and Josh took a seat.

“You’re the one hurt here, Ty,” Josh said. Tyler shrugged as if it didn’t matter and maybe to him it didn’t, but Josh didn’t like the idea that his best friend was the one who’d gotten hit here and was likely going to have to deal with this for a while before his dad was taken away by cops, again; yet, Josh was the one who wasn’t okay. He knew Tyler wasn’t either, but this was just how his best friend was. Instead of talking about his own issues, he listened to others and helped as much as he could. It’s how he dealt until he felt he was ready to actually talk. “It’s just... I don’t like seeing you hurt, Ty. I’m scared it’s going to be worse than last time. I mean, at least the couple times before this your mom wouldn’t let him back until he’d been sober for a bit. This time, she didn’t even care. He hit you the moment he busted through that door. No, it wasn’t the worst he’s done, but he didn’t even hesitate, didn’t even flinch at the idea. I feel like he’s going to really hurt you and the others. You can’t be here watching them night and day and keeping them in your bedroom all of the time. You’re not some sort of superhero.” Tyler looked down at his lap. “Ty, I know you. You can’t be here to take every punch for them, every insult or every time he wants to make you ‘dance’ by shooting the ground beneath your feet.” Tyler flinched at that last one. Josh couldn’t blame him, last time his dad did that, Tyler had to come up with some bullshit excuse as to how he got a .45 caliber bullet sent through his calf. He was twelve. When Tyler told him about it, after a flashback of the event, he was lost in tears and uncontrollable shaking. Thing is, Tyler didn’t cry, not before and not since, so that moment really broke his heart for his friend. “Ty, you can’t protect them by yourself and I don’t know what I’d do if you…,” he trailed off. He couldn’t finish the sentence. His worst fear was losing his best friend. He wouldn’t survive it. 

“Josh,” Tyler said after a moment of silence. He put his warm hand on Josh’s shoulder. His eyes were soft and comforting. “I’m not going anywhere. Least of all at the hands of that asshole. I’ll be fine.” Josh felt a lump in his throat and stinging in his eyes. “I promise.” Josh nodded, barely able to hold back his tears. Why did he cry so damn much, he thought to himself. He only cried in front of Tyler, any other time was alone. His two securities and the only ones he seemed to have, anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad you're all still alive.


	7. We All Need You Now

The morning had been interesting. Exhausting, really. After talking with Josh in the middle of the night, the two of them cleaned up the kitchen before his parents woke up. His dad would likely be looking for any and every reason to go after one or all of his siblings, so that took one thing off the list. Then the process to wake up his siblings and get them ready in silence to take Jay to his appointment was a struggle in itself. Tyler was thankful his mom and dad drank so much the night before. He figured they were too hung over to come out when Maddy decided she wanted to poke Jay until he screamed. Josh had quickly picked up the two of them in each arm and ran out the front door. Zack had gathered both of their shows and followed him. Tyler had been the last one out and had heard his father grunted and shuffling to their bedroom door. Tyler left in a hurry and saw the front door open in his rear view. After Jay got his shots, Tyler looked at his phone and saw four missed calls from his mother and one from his dad. He'd shut his phone off afterwards and instead took Josh and his siblings to the part to shoot some hoops. He figured the kids and Zack would need an outing and that it gave him time to practice before the season started in a couple weeks. It also gave him time to develop a game plan on how to protect his siblings. Eventually, he came up with a one-night solution. He ended up taking Maddy to her friend Megan's house to stay the night. Jay went with her and was to get to know Megan's younger brother. Zack was resistant but eventually Tyler and Josh had convinced him to spend the night with his friend Mikey. 

Now, it was almost nine in the evening. Josh sat in the passenger seat of Tyler's car outside of Josh's house. "Look, Ty," Josh said abruptly ending the uncomfortable silence. "You don't have to go back there. You can just stay the night over here."

"And listen to your dad talk to you like you're an irresponsible delinquent or something because I'm over without permission? No thanks, I'd rather one of us had a decent family evening," Tyler responded. "Besides, if I wait 'til tomorrow, I'll have to bring home the others instead of waiting until my dad's less heated."

"I know what 'less heated' means, Ty," Josh came back. "It means you letting him beat the piss out of you so that he's taken it out on someone."

"If it means he leaves Zack, Maddy and Jay alone, then yeah I'm gonna do it," Tyler said. He had an edge to his voice. He didn't understand why Josh didn't get it. Tyler couldn't stand there and watch his siblings get hurt. He couldn't hardly stand watching his mother but she wasn't a kid, either. Besides, he never really hit her too bad. After all, she's the bread winner and he didn't want to risk losing his liquor outlet. 

"Tyler, none of you should have to get hurt, damn it," Josh raised his voice. It got Tyler's attention, negative attention was a better way to put it. He was ready to start yelling back at Josh for not understanding until he realized Josh's head was in his hands and his breathing was erratic. 

"Hey, Josh," Tyler tried. "Hey, look at me. Let's do the breathing."

"What if he kills you, Ty," Josh yelled. Tyler was slightly taken aback at his outburst but it wasn't the first time his anxiety pushed him into slight hostility. "Why do you always have to put yourself in danger? Why do you always have to be the one who gets hurt? Do you want to die?"  _Yes._

"No, Josh," he lied. "I just.... I don't know why I'm like this."  _ **Liar.**  _Tyler clenched his jaw.  _ **Oh, are you afraid he's going to know you talk to me, again? Kind of funny since you're the one who chose to.**  _Tyler averted his gaze from Josh to the steering wheel, willing himself for Blurry to just shut up. "But, Josh, I can't let them get hurt. They're my family."

"And what do you think you are to me," Josh snapped back. "What do you think you are to me, Tyler? How am _I_ suppose to let _you_ get hurt?"

 "Josh, you can't protect me from him," Tyler said in a voice that was barely a whisper. His head hung and his chest felt heavy.  ** _No one can._**

Josh's breaths indicated that he was doing the exercises. After a moment he whispered, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. It's just.... I'm a wreck without you around." 

Tyler lifted his head up to look at his best friend who was staring into his own lap. "Josh," he said softly. Josh looked up. "You realize what you just did?" Josh looked confused and shrugged. "You just calmed yourself down out of a panic without me having to do anything." Josh looked thrown off and his eyes wondered around as if he was tracing his steps. "You never actually needed me, Josh. You have always been able to do it by yourself. I'm not saying that I'm going to make you, but I just want to let you know that you don't need me around for you to be okay. You're stronger than you know."

"This doesn't mean that I don't need you," Josh said. "It just means you've helped me with one more thing. I still have a lot of other crap I need you here for. You still need to help me land that back-flip." Tyler let out a small chuckle. 

"I will be." The car got quiet, again. "Go on," he said finally. "If it gets bad, I'll be back. Deal?" Josh sighed and nodded reluctantly. 

"Promise," he asked as he moved for the handle. He paused, waiting for his friend's response. 

"Promise," Tyler said with a forced partial grin. Josh made a small grin back and walked out of the car and up to his front door. He waved and Tyler waved back then Josh was gone. 

**_You deserve every swing he throws at you tonight._ **

"Shut the fuck up."

_**Nope. We're going to have some fun.** _

Out of old habit, Tyler reached for the glove box and pulled out his old journal and a pen. He frantically went to writing.

 

  _He stays home from work this time_

_He never really told his wife_

_He never really told a lie_

_But this time he decides that it's alright_

_It's alright_

_No one really knows his mind_

_And no one knows behind his eyes_

_The man deserves a medal but he's never won a prize_

_Before....he goes to lock the door._

_He has fallen in love_

_He knows it's enough_

_But the world looks down and frowns_

 

_Get up Johnny Boy, get up Johnny Boy,_

_Get up cause the world has left you lying on the ground._

_You' re my pride and joy, you're my pride and joy_

_Get up Johnny Boy, because we all need you now._

_We all need you now._

 

_And I will carry all your names_

_And I will carry all your shame_

 

_Get up Johnny Boy, cause the world has left you lying on the ground._

_You' re my pride and joy, you're my pride and joy_

_Get up Johnny Boy, because we all need you now._

_We all need you now._

 

__He put the pen inside the notebook and closed it. Laying his head against the seat and shutting his eyes, he recited the same thing he found himself saying a lot lately, "Just stay alive, that's all you gotta do. Come on, Ty. Just stay alive."


	8. Somebody Catch My Breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post physical abuse trigger warning.

Josh's eyes fell on his analog clock across the room. 11:45. Tyler still hadn't texted him, let alone called to check in. Josh knew his anxiety had a lot to do with his fears, but this wasn't just his anxiety. Not this time. This time his fear was real because this time the likelihood of Tyler actually being hurt was 99.9%. The .01% being the chance that his dad passed out before Tyler got home earlier.  _Screw it. I'm calling_ , Josh thought. It was close enough to midnight, anyway. He reached and grabbed for his phone faster than he needed to and started dialing. He held the phone to his ear and heard it ring. Then again, and again, then again, and again. "Hey, looks like you missed me, I miss you too. So, leave a message at the tone." Josh hung up before the tone and hit redial. After ring number three, the ringing stopped but there was no answer. 

"Ty," he asked. "You there?"

"J-josh," Tyler said back. It almost sounded as though he was talking with his mouth full while shivering.

"Hey, are you okay? You didn't call, so I got worried."

"I-I uh," he started but failed to finish. He sounded tired. Josh felt his fingers tingle and his lips feel slightly numb.

"Ty, what's going on?"

"I-I think Imay n-need s-s-some help," he slurred. It really sounded like his mouth was full. "C-can you come g-get me?"

"Yeah, just let me ask my dad to take his car," Josh said and immediately grabbed his shirt and pulled it on. "You at home?"

"I'm-m d-down th-the block," Tyler stuttered. "At-t-t t-the pa-rk."

"Alright, I'll be there soon. I'll call you back when I'm in the car." Josh hung up the phone and slid his feet into his shoes. He practically ran down the hall to his father's home office, knowing he'd still be working. "Hey, dad." Josh made sure to knock on the door quietly so his family wouldn't be woken. His dad didn't look up from his computer when Josh came into the room, just sighed. "Hey, could I use the car real fast? I'll be home within a half hour."

"Why do you need it," his dad asked with a neutral tone.

"I forgot my essay at Tyler's and just wanted to pick it up really fast while he's still awake."

"And he can't come get you?"

"I don't want him spending all of his gas," Josh answered nonchalantly.

"But it's okay to spend mine?" His dad looked up from the computer, staring Josh directly in the eye. "Because I'm just a fountain of money."

"That's not what I-"

"Whatever,' his dad waved him off. He grabbed the keys from his desk drawer and threw them to Josh who caught them with ease. "There and back, that's it." His dad went back to work as if nothing had distracted him in the first place. Josh left his office door a jar, how he'd found it, and silently walked out of the house.

His dad's green Blazer sat in the driveway, just as silent and calm as the rest of the neighborhood. He started up the car and put it in gear, not caring if it needed a minute. He pulled out of the driveway fast and sped down the road. His anxiety was up and he was fighting off a panic attack. Doing decently well about it, too because he knew he had to focus on the road. Regardless, his hands were shaking and his brain was going a mile a minute. Tyler didn't sound right, not just his voice. He never asked for help. Not like this. If he needed to get away from his house, he just drove to Josh's. Not once in their friendship had Tyler ever needed _Josh_ to pick  _him_ up. He found himself pulling into Tyler's residential neighborhood alarmingly fast considering Josh didn't even really remember being on the highway to get here. He did that sometimes when he drove, which was why he was in no hurry to get his own car. It always scared the hell out of him when he didn't know how he'd gotten from point A to point B. 

Josh drove past Tyler's to get to the park down the block. The lights were on inside and the front door looked opened. Tyler's driver side car door was definitely opened. Josh didn't see anyone around, though. Now Josh was really worried. Putting more weight on the gas peddle, he accelerated his mission to find Tyler. When Josh pulled up to the large circular park, he didn't see Tyler.  _Crap_ , Josh thought to himself. He'd forgotten to call Tyler before he left. Josh grabbed his phone out of his sweats and called Tyler as he pulled up next to the curb. It rang until his answering machine came on. Josh redialed, then had to redial again. Fourth time's a charm. "I se-see y-your c-car," Tyler answered before Josh had spoken. Josh looked around and saw a shadow falling and dropping a light to the grass. They then began searching for it when Josh took the keys out and ran out of the car, barely remembering to shut the door. Tyler grabbed for his phone and Josh couldn't see his face. Josh picked up his friend's phone in his own pocket without a word and then reached to pick up Tyler. When he did, the boy shouted in pain. Josh loosened his grip but didn't release it as he realized Tyler was giving most of his weight and balance to Josh. He half carried his staggering friend to the car. Once they were there, Josh opened the passenger door and helped Tyler to sit on the seat. The dome light came on and Josh felt his breath catch in his lungs as he took in his friend's condition. 

Tyler's left eye was a deep, dark purple and nearly swollen shut, the bruise conjoining with previously existing one at his temple. His bottom lip was clearly busted and swollen. His nose look like it had still been bleeding up until a minute ago. His eye that wasn't swollen shut also had a bruise under it, smaller but still purple, and his eye was glazed over as if it was barely taking in was was around him. And that was just his face. Josh didn't want to know what the rest of him looked like, hopefully nothing like he'd seen but that was doubtful. Tyler was still wearing his hoodie and black jeans from the day, though his hoodie was stained in his blood from the neck down to his pockets. His hands were also caked in drying and dried blood and he seemed to be holding his arm against his ribs. "Ty, I got to get you to a hospital."

"No," he said, shaking his head groggily. "P-please, J-josh."

"Ty, I should be calling the damn cops on that asshole. Then taking you to the hospital," Josh retorted. Tyler's open eye began to water as he shut it. A tear fell down the side of his face.

"P-please." His voice was weak and unsteady. It'd probably be better for Josh to talk about this with him after his he got some rest.

"Alright, Ty," he said calmly, putting a gently hand on his shoulder. "Alright. I'll take you back home with me. Let's get your legs in, okay?" Tyler nodded, still crying. As Josh helped him lift his legs inside the vehicle, Tyler made several painful noises. Josh reluctantly buckled him in, knowing that the seat belt hurt his friend pretty bad. Josh shut the door and got behind the wheel. "I'll drive easy, okay?" Tyler nodded painfully.

 

And Josh drove easy and slow the rest of the way home. When he pulled in, there were no lights on for him, like he knew there wouldn't be. The time read 1:45 in the morning, meaning Josh's dad was asleep. Meaning he could sneak Tyler in without anyone being aware. He felt bad for every motion he made Tyler make. Every step, every breath and every move of his head. After some time, they finally managed to get to Josh's bedroom where he lay Tyler onto the soft mattress, putting two large pillows under Tyler's head and shoulders along with one at each side of Tyler's body. Josh got his friend a glass of water and had him take some ibuprofen. Tyler fell asleep not long after. Josh made himself a place on the floor to sleep after he covered Tyler's shivering body. Josh lay down shortly before a panic attack. He began clumsily grabbing his phone from his pocket.

"Inhale, 1-2-3-4," Tyler began from the bed. Josh looked up surprised. "Inhale, Josh. Ready? 1-2-3-4." Josh followed the command. "Hold, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. Exhale, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7." Josh was calm after the first time but did it again when Tyler kept instructing. "G'night Josh," he said and fell asleep, again.  


	9. Fear Might Be The Death Of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, this one's extremely triggering.  
> I'll put these: ***; before and after what I'm talking about.  
> If you're prone to being triggered by rape, then please don't read this section.

_"Come on, you'll be okay," Josh's voice said calmly through the haze of fog that had taken over the school parking lot. Tyler looked around but didn't see his friend anywhere near him._

 

_"Josh," Tyler shouted into the fog. "Where are you?"_

 

_"I'm over here, Ty," Josh said somewhere to the left. Tyler began walking toward where he heard Josh's voice. "Tyler," Josh's voice sounded from behind him now, this time urgent. "Tyler, help!" Tyler turned and ran to Josh._

 

_"Josh," Tyler yelled. "Josh, shout! Come on, buddy. Shout, tell me where you are."_

 

_"Help!" Tyler ran as fast as his legs could carry him, which wasn't fast enough. "Tyler, help!" As the voice grew closer, so did another noise. Choking. Tyler felt himself propelled forward faster by his tiring legs._

 

_Josh came into view, on his knees. There was a figure standing behind him. A man, maybe? Tyler got closer and realized it was man the same size and build as Tyler. There was a blade to Josh's throat, the man pulling Josh's hair, forcing Josh to look at him._

 

_"Stop!" Tyler shouted. The man looked up, eyes red and a smile so sinister it shook Tyler to his core. "Blurry, no! No!" The blade slid over Josh's throat, followed soon by blood flowing out and down into Josh's shirt. Tyler ran to him, catching him as he fell. "Josh, oh shit-" Tyler looked up but no one was there. The fog grew thicker around him and his dying friend. He looked down at....Blurry?_

 

 

Tyler's eyes opened to darkness, so dense he was unsure if his eyes were actually opened. He felt the mattress and the blanket that covered him but saw nothing. "Josh," he whispered. "Josh, you there?" Tyler tried to look around the room with no luck. His neck was unable to twist or crane and his body felt as though it didn't exist for any other reason than dead weight. He felt his breathing shallow and increase. He closed his eyes and began to work out a logical reason behind his paralyzed state. He had to still be asleep, it was the only thing that made sense.  _Focus on moving your fingers, Tyler. Come on, just focus on your fingers._ He felt his finger tips twitch and he opened his eyes in his small victory. Red eyes stared back in return. Not just red eyes, his red eyes. **_You didn't think I would forget about you, did you Tyler?_** Tyler tried to speak, tried to respond, but his lips didn't function and neither did his tongue. Only a small helpless noise emerged from his throat. Again, he shut his eyes in concentration.  _Move your finger tips, Ty. Move your finger tips._ His wrist began to move, then his other one, then his elbow and then he felt himself leap to a sitting position.  Warily, he opened his eyes once more to a pitch black room. 

 _ **I'm still here, Tyler.**_ His head shot to the right and saw Blurry sitting on the bed next to him. His red eyes were full of sadistic fire and the rest of him resembled an alligator readying for the kill. **_You thought you could escape me, but we both know for a fact that you never really wanted to. After all, I'm the only one who can give you what you need._**

"That's not true." Tyler's voice was all but steady. His body trembled and his mouth was dry.

_**You need me, Tyler. You need what I can give you. Something your father only gives you when he's around.** _

Tyler willed himself to get a handle on his breath. "You're not real."

_**I am. You made me. I'm you.** _

At that moment, Tyler's bedroom light flicked on and he saw himself. Him with red eyes, black throat and hands.

**_I'm the you that you actually need.  How else are you suppose to fight him? The man who hurt you. How else are you suppose to be free of him? You need me, Tyler. You'll always need me. Because you're weak. Oh, so weak and I'm the only chance you have to defeat him._ **

Tyler clenched his eyes shut again, in desperation. "This isn't real, this isn't real."

**_Tyler, look at me._ **

**_LOOK AT ME!_ **

His eyes flew open but Blurry wasn't there. Tyler looked around his bedroom and cooled his breathing when he realized he was alone. He stood from his bed, deciding it was a good idea to get a glass of water to help him relax back into his sleep. He gently opened his door to the hallway and began going through the dim living room to get to the kitchen when he felt himself unable to move his feet. His breathing rapidly increased again as he realized he no longer had control over his own legs. 

**_Ty._ **

Tyler looked over to the couch where Blurry was sitting. Somehow, it didn't seem as threatening as before. His shoulders were slumped and his head hung. Not even his voice seemed threatening, maybe even up an octave. 

**_Do you remember, Ty?_ **

"What," Tyler asked for a minute. He felt even more scared at Blurry's demeanor. It was slowly becoming less and less like, well, Blurry. The black on his hands and throat was turning into skin and his eyes dimmed. "Blurry? What is it," he asked warily. 

 _ **I remember...what happened.**_ Blurry looked up and into Tyler's eyes.  ** _Is that why you don't love me? Why you don't want me anymore....because I didn't protect you...._**

Tyler's eyes widened. "Blur, no. Don't please." Blurry's eyes only had a trace of red left in them. It wasn't Blurry anymore. It was him. And he was...naked?

 _ **"I-I'm so s-so** r_ _ry, Ty._ "

"No," Tyler shouted.

 

 

***

"NO!" Using his voice hurt as he realized what he'd seen was gone. The couch had must've enveloped him for hours upon hours. Tyler's body was stiff and his head ached. In fact, his entire body felt pretty bad. His jaw felt tight and misplaced, his back (especially lower) hurt something awful. And then...wait. He opened his eyes to a dim room. It must be morning with just a bit of light starting to come in through the window and into the living room.

"You finally woke up, just in time." Tyler's heart skipped a beat. He heard a wrapper being undone and craned his neck to look over to the noise, the white and bloody condom on the floor not escaping his notice. His dad's friend was naked, entirely naked, and stroking himself before applying a fresh condom. "If you don't fight this time, I'll go easier on you." Tyler tried to move, tried to operate his body, but it was so stiff that he could barely push his upper body up by the time he was shoved down. Shoved down by the force of a hand on the back of his neck. 

"Stop," Tyler screamed into the couch. His eyes filled with tears and his small body began to shake. "Please, stop..."

"Keep crying, I like that," the man said from above him. Just then, without warning, a surge of pain shot through him and up his spine. He screamed at this, unable to make it stop as it happened again. And again. "Shut up, we only have a few more minutes together. Don't ruin this for me." 

***

 

"Tyler, it's me. It's me. You're safe, okay? You're safe. You're with me. You're with Josh," he heard his friend's voice. He tried to open his eyes but, somehow, only one did. He saw his friend in front of him. Josh's scared brown eyes. "It's okay. There you go, it's just me. Just me, Ty." Tyler's body shook as he released a trembling sob. He felt himself against Josh's body and Josh's arms wrapped around him. He grabbed onto Josh, as if he was holding on for his life. He clutched Josh's shirt in his fist as he kept crying. He couldn't stop.  _Keep crying, I like that._ Tyler let out another muffled cry into his best friend's chest. 

"Please," he said into Josh's chest. "Please make it stop...please stop..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took a few days.  
> Admittedly, it was difficult to write but I believe it's important to the story.
> 
> Thanks for putting up with it.


	10. Before You Start Your Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured I should put a "cool down" chapter in after the last one, but one that still moves the story forward.

Josh was grateful that his parents had gone to church prior to Tyler's...episode? Is that what it was? Josh didn't know. He wasn't ashamed of Tyler but he also wasn't suppose to have his friend in his bedroom without his dad's permission. Tyler had eventually drifted back into sleep later and then proceeded to sleep until the late evening. This only allowed Josh enough of Tyler's conscious time to be spent cleaning the dried blood from his face. His parents and siblings would be gone for the day because of his dad's charity event no one had told him about. Josh's mom had left a note on the fridge to tell him they'd be back close to eleven in the evening. It was nine, now and Josh felt his anxiety getting worse at the thoughts of his dad finding Tyler like this. Josh didn't have to worry for long when he heard Tyler stir behind him while he was at his desk finishing his essay. Josh turned around and saw his friend attempting to sit up, grimacing and making small noises of agony. Josh leaped from his chair and to his friend's side. He helped prop Tyler's upper body forward and lifted the pillows against the headboard. Tyler scooted himself back against the pillows and relaxed his body against the cushioned surface. Tyler let out a small sigh of relief then looked over to Josh. "Th-thank you," Tyler stuttered. Josh nodded in response. 

"It's late, but don't worry about the others, I called Zack and told him you weren't in good shape. He's taking care of Maddy and Jay over at Mikey's. I guess, Mikey's mom was more than happy to take them in for the night." Tyler nodded at this and breathed somewhat easier. He still wasn't breathing even and was slightly shaking, but that could be the injuries in themselves, Josh reasoned. "My family's going to be gone until eleven, so we should probably clean you up now and change your clothes. I think I still have a change of clothes you'd brought the last time you stayed the night." The last time Tyler was allowed to spend that night. That broke Josh's heart, considering it was the last time his dad beat the crap out of him and Josh's mom allowed it. Also hiding the whole situation from Josh's dad who would've deemed it 'none of their business'. Josh looked at his friend now, he'd never seen Tyler this bad. Who could hurt his friend like this, better yet, who could hurt their son like this? Tyler started to move to get off the bed and Josh gently put his hand on his friends shoulder. "No, I'll be right back. You're not getting up if we can help it." Tyler didn't protest, just simply relaxed his body again and closed his eyes as he rested his head against the wall. 

Josh went into the bathroom and took the bucket and sponge from under the sink. He filled the bucket with hot soapy water under the tub faucet. When he got back into his bedroom, Tyler was attempting to remove his hoodie, again making sounds of agony as he did so. Josh sat the bucket down next to the bed and helped finish the process of taking his hoodie off and then his t-shirt. If Josh thought Tyler's face had got the worst of it, he was proven wrong at the sight of Tyler's body. A black bruise covered his right side, from chest and down the side to his lower rib cage. Inside the black bruise, Josh could've sworn he saw the imprints of a boot. The skin of his lower left rib cage was black and purple, and not nearly as wide spread as his right. There were bruises up and down both arms. A long, and infected, cut angled across the boy's chest with dried blood caked around it. "My l-legs didn't g-get it t-to bad," Tyler stuttered out before Josh could think of the question. "We c-can worry about that l-later."

"Okay," Josh whispered with a nod. He sat on the edge of the bed and picked up the sponge. Josh started with the shoulder closest to him not failing to notice Tyler's old scars he'd done to himself. Josh didn't say anything, though, he'd known about that. Who was he to judge Tyler on that, anyway. At least he'd stopped.... _No he hadn't_ , Josh thought as he noticed Tyler's forearm. Josh felt a pang in his stomach. Why didn't Tyler just talk to him instead of hurt himself. Regardless, Josh decided it still wasn't the time to draw attention to it. "The swelling around your eye has gone down pretty far. I've been holding an ice pack on you a few times today." Tyler opened his eyes.

"Thank-k y-you."

"Don't mention it," Josh said. He gently ran the sponge over Tyler's chest now, even then his friend grimaced at the touch. Josh went over the cut a few extra times. it wasn't as deep as Josh initially thought. Didn't do anything for his concern, though. "Want to tell me what happened? Or at least how you feel?"

"Exhausted," Tyler sighed. "My h-head h-urts. E-ever-rything hurts." Josh blinked his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat. "Y-you were r-right....I-I'm so-sorry, Josh."

"Stop that," Josh said. "You aren't going to do that, okay. You have nothing to be sorry for. You're not the one who made yourself a giant bruise." Tyler started to chuckle at that and then grimaced in pain. "Glad to know you still have that weird, screwed up sense of humor." 

The corner of Tyler's lip twitched up for a minute. "W-well y-you know," he shrugged. Josh moved to his friend's ribs and Tyler hissed out in pain. "F-fuck."

"Sorry," Josh said. He tried to lighten up as much as possible over the area and kept cleaning. "Alright, buddy. Time to get your face. I'm sorry in advance." Tyler nodded and tensed.  It didn't take as long since Josh had been able to clean it up earlier in the day. Josh put the sponge back into the bucket. "Don't move, I'll be right back." He went into the bathroom again, this time pouring out the bucket's murky contents into the tub drain. He rinsed the sponge and put it back into the empty bucket which he returned back to it's place. He pulled the first aid kit out of the medical cabinet and took a bottle of ibuprofen with him. Before heading back to Tyler, Josh ran and grabbed an ice pack from the kitchen freezer. When he got back, Tyler's head was hung  while he shook it back and forth. "Alright," Josh said quietly. Tyler raised his gaze to see what Josh had in his hands. "Do you want to try and change your pants before we tend to everything?" Tyler nodded and began unbuckling his jeans. Once his pants were at his knees, Josh helped them down the rest of the way and removed them simultaneously with his socks. Josh then grabbed Tyler's gym shorts from Josh's dresser. Josh couldn't help but stare at the scare on his calf from the old bullet wound. Tyler opted to do this by himself and after a painful few minutes, the shorts were around his waist and he could rest again. There were scrapes on Tyler's knees but they looked old so Josh didn't worry. He first handed Tyler the ice who put it on his eye without direction. Josh began cleaning Tyler's cut with some sterilization wipes. He covered over the cut with a strip of gauze. "Why'd he do that," Josh asked and then cursed himself for asking out loud.

"He saw my forearm," Tyler explained, unfazed. "He wanted to 'give me the attention I deserved' for it." Tyler gave a painful chuckle at this. Josh didn't join him, though. He couldn't. He heard too much pain in Tyler's voice, saw too much horror in his eye at the recollection. Josh's heart just sank. 

"Alright, let's get a shirt on you." Josh grabbed Tyler's old basketball shirt from his dresser. He assisted Tyler and once it was on, he handed Tyler the ice back. "So, you're staying here tonight. I can easily hid you until tomorrow afternoon. Granted, I'll have to go to school but no one should be home after I leave or before I get home." Tyler looked like he might protest. "Look, I can't stop you from going back home at some point. I can ask you to give yourself another day to recuperate before you go back there and you sure as shit aren't going to school like this."

"Shit is pretty sure, isn't it," Tyler said back. 

Josh couldn't help but smirk at the comment, "Damn right it is." Tyler gave a slight smile in response. "Now take that ibuprofen beside you and lets get some sleep. I know you still need it." Tyler did as he was told and afterwards allowed Josh to help him lay down again. Josh turned off his bedroom light but kept his desk light on. A few weeks after knowing Tyler, he'd learned that Tyler had less nightmares when a light was on in the room.

It didn't take long for Tyler to fall back asleep. Josh just sat at his desk and began finishing his AP English essay. He didn't get very far until he let his tears blur his vision to much to see his work. He sobbed into his hands for a few minutes, trying to take in trembling breaths. A warm hand rested on his shoulder, almost causing him to jump but he knew who it was. Though, he hadn't heard him over his own cries, Tyler was standing beside Josh. Josh stood up and gently wrapped his arms around Tyler's shoulder, as to avoid his ribs. Tyler's arms were around Josh, meeting in the center of Josh's back. 

"I c-can't l-lose you," Josh sobbed into Tyler's neck. 

"I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here, Josh," Tyler reassured as he gently rubbed Josh's back. "Even if I get a little banged up. I'm not leaving. I promise." Josh felt Tyler hold him tighter before he repeated, "I promise."


	11. Can You Wash Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a few days. 
> 
> Anyway, here you are.

Tyler had slept passed when Josh had left for school and woke up to music quietly playing on the radio next to Josh's bed. A bagged sandwich and a glass of water was also placed on the table. Tyler never bothered to touch either and instead looked down at the cracked screen of his phone most of the day. When Josh had returned home, he made Tyler eat the sandwich and gulp down the water. With a lot of help from Josh, Tyler and him walked to the park around the block to wait for their friend Mark to pick Tyler up so he could get to his house. Josh wanted a different plan but Tyler wouldn't have it. At the very least he needed his car so he could pick up his siblings from Mikey's. Their friend Mark didn't ask any questions the whole way there. Josh who'd opted to go with them "for the ride" had given Mark a look when it seemed he was about to inquire. It made the trip awkward but it wasn't unbearable like it would be if Tyler had been asked to talk about it or lie to cover his dad's ass. Granted, Mark wasn't stupid and he remembered Tyler's daily bruises from the last time. Considering they had had basketball together, it was nearly impossible to cover up every injury from him. They'd dropped Tyler off at his house a few hours ago and Josh had been checking in three or four times within every half hour. His siblings had presumably gone back to Mikey's to await further instruction from Tyler who now sat in a dark and empty house wondering just how he was suppose to face his younger brothers and sister with his face the way it was. He'd texted Zack a few minutes ago saying he was caught up in traffic so Tyler would have a chance to clean out his car, or at least put new floor mats in so his siblings wouldn't see the blood that had been stained from the night before. He got up to look at himself in the bathroom mirror and see if he could play it off. His eye was much less swollen but the multi-colored bruise from his eye to his temple was frightening, to say the least, as it surrounded his bloodshot eye. His other eye was a bit bruised but nowhere near as severe. His busted lip was a scab and the swelling was mostly gone with a bruise that lay below on his unshaven skin. He didn't bother trying to shave before he left, the stubble helped cover his bruise on his jaw and he didn't desire to change that. Tyler dove into his mom's makeup drawer and went for the cover up and foundation. The trick was to match his tanner, but now pale-ish skin. He somewhat achieved, with years of practice, to cover up the bruises. Unfortunately, he ran out before he could get to his lip or his less damaged eye.  _At least this is less frightening_ , he decided and turned off the bathroom light. Grabbing his keys from the kitchen table, he walked fast out the front door, barely remembering to lock it. He knew he shouldn't have fallen asleep so soon after the incident, knowing his concussion could've turned sour because of it, but there was nothing he could do about it now. He sat in his car, just trying to breathe, the way he'd always instructed Josh. 

Josh. His poor friend didn't deserve the anxiety he felt over everything that happened. Tyler thought his friend had been overreacting the other night but he was right. Tyler's dad almost killed him and would've done it if his mom hadn't directed the attention her way. He shook his head in an attempt to rid his mind of the memories. Putting the car in gear, Tyler decided that he would focus on driving and nothing else. His mind had other plans as Josh's face the last night was all Tyler saw. When Tyler had been under the dome light, he was barely staying conscious but it didn't stop him from seeing the look of pure terror on his best friend's face. He was suppose to keep Josh safe, keep him from ever worrying about anything but he'd failed that night. He felt guilty for pulling Josh into this. Josh had enough to deal with, with his own family, he didn't need all of Tyler's baggage. Not ever. Tyler felt himself sliding into a panic attack as his ribs began screaming in agony. He was going to have to get a hold of himself before he saw his siblings. He should probably rap these ribs up when he was back in his bedroom later, as well; he made a mental note. Mikey's house was halfway across town but Tyler had driven fast to get there without too much suspicion. He sent Zack a text saying that he was there and for them to come out. He'd forgotten Jay's car seat back at the house so he didn't bother getting out of the driver's seat when he saw his family walk outside. Mikey and his mom waved from the door and Tyler waved back through the tinted windows, hoping they couldn't see the unconcealed bruise surrounding his eye. Zack opened the door for the kids to pile in and then got into the passenger's seat. The moment he saw Tyler's face, he grew a grim look of his own. Tyler subtly shook his head in an attempt to convey to his brother that they shouldn't talk about it in front of the kids. Zack got the message and turned around. "Maddy, can you buckle Jay up for him?" Maddy did so without question and the leaned her head against the window sleepily. She never slept well at other people's houses so it wasn't really a surprise to Tyler.

"Ty," Jay called from the back. "Guess what happened at school today."

"I don't know, what happened, buddy," Tyler asked as he backed out of the driveway.  Jay went on to talk about some kid in class puking and how three girls puked right after said kid. Tyler gave a bunch of cliche responses but held enough interest to keep any other (more serious) conversation from taking place. They reached the house, still no lights on and presumably empty, and Tyler sent Zack a quick text to take the kids in and put them to bed before Tyler went inside. Zack did so with only a solemn expression sent his older brother's way. After the car was empty, he let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. His ribs begged him to stop but Tyler found himself incapable of getting his breath together. Just then, his phone rang, scaring his erratic breath back into some kind of normalcy. 

"Hey, Josh," Tyler answered, keeping the phone on speaker. "What's up?"

"Just seeing how you're doing before my meds kick in and knock me out," he answered. 

"I'm fine," he lied. He always lied.

"Yeah, sure," Josh breathed. "Have you at least been able to take your meds today? I know you have to have been starting to feel it since you've missed the last three days."

Tyler felt a pang of guilt. It had been a lot longer than three days now. "I'm not feeling it too bad. I just got home, though, so I'll go in and take them." 

"Okay," Josh said. "Are your parents home?"

"They're probably still at the hospital." Shit. He didn't mean to let that slip.

"Hospital? Why would they be at the hospital?"

"It's kind of a long story."

There was a long silence. "Are you ever going to tell me what happened?" Tyler's phone buzzed. 

_Kids are in bed. It's safe to come in._

"I don't know, Josh," Tyler answered, honestly this time. "I don't really want to think about it." 

Another bout of empty static. "Alright, I won't push it."

"How about you? How are you doing," Tyler attempted to change the subject.

"I'm fine, just medicated." 

"Get some sleep tonight, okay? Rain check on the midnight therapy."

"Tyler?"

"Yeah, Josh."

"Just...please take care of yourself tonight."

"I will."

"Well, I already texted Zack to help you change your gauze." Tyler chuckled a bit. 

"Thanks, buddy."

"No problem."

"Get some sleep."

"Night."

"Night." Tyler ended the call. A part of him really wished Josh was next to him so that he didn't have to be alone. In the same moment, he was thankful that Josh didn't have to see Tyler like this right now. Barely able to steady his breath, which came back the moment Josh wasn't on the line anymore. "It's going to be okay, Tyler. Come on. It's going to be okay," he whispered to himself. He left his car and went inside. Zack was sitting at the kitchen table with the first aid kit in his hands.

"You want to do this now or shower first?"

"Now's fine. You need to get to bed, anyway," Tyler replied. "How are you doing," he asked as he sat in the chair adjacent to his younger brother. Zack situated himself as Tyler painfully pulled his shirt off. 

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

"Humor me." 

"I'm fine. School was okay. That kid didn't bug me today which was a nice change," he summarized, then added, "I got an 'A' on my Biology exam. Mr. Erikson was impressed."

"Awesome," Tyler said genuinely. "I'm proud of you." Tyler winced as Zack began dabbing the alcohol onto his cut. 

"Dad got you pretty good, didn't he," he asked. Before Tyler could answer, he added, "I can tell you're wearing makeup over the other eye and your ribs look like you got into a car wreck."

"I'm okay, kid," he said simply. "I've had worse."

"I know." Zack put new gauze over Tyler's cut. "Doesn't make it alright." Without another word he got up and put the first aid kit back and started down the hallway. He stopped abruptly and turned to look at his older brother. "Where's mom?" 

Tyler shrugged. "Probably out drinking with dad. You know how they honeymoon the first few days." 

Zack nodded. "Night, Tyler." He walked down the hallway to his room and shut the door. 

 

**_Always lying, Tyler._ **

 

"Not now." Tyler stood up, locked the front door and went to his room. He didn't bother putting another shirt on and just lay in his shorts above his blankets. He wasn't going to be getting any sleep tonight. 


	12. Can You Drown Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a suggestion,  
> Listen to 'Into the Ocean' by Blue October when the song starts.

This bridge didn’t remind Josh of a thing. It was cold and the air was misty. He felt a need to gaze over the railing and held his breath when he saw a merciless ocean beneath him. The waves of a storm made Josh’s heart leap as he pushed himself back away from the edge. He felt his back touch someone’s chest and he turned around. “Tyler?” Tyler’s hand wrapped around Josh’s neck and forced Josh back into the cold railing that stung his bare skin. Where’d his shirt go? “You can’t do a damn thing right, can you?” Josh’s eyes were wide and he felt himself on the brink of tears. Tyler’s hand loosened and he began laughing and took a step forward. He was an inch away from Josh’s face, his breath smelling strongly of Red Bull. Tyler’s eyes were dark and intense, his smile fading. It was as though his eyes were searching for something but unable to find it. “You can’t save me.”

“Tyler-” Josh was abruptly cut off when his stomach leaped into his chest, as his legs were lifted into the air and his body leaned backwards to the other side of the railing. Hands were gripped on his ankles and the ocean roared louder than ever. “TYLER! LIFT ME UP!”

“Bye, Josh,” he barely heard Tyler over waves. He looked up to him for a brief moment but it wasn’t Tyler anymore.

“Dad?” With that, his dad smiled and let go.

 

_I'm just a normal boy_

_That sank when I fell overboard_

_My ship would leave the country_

_But I'd rather swim ashore_

 

His body was submerged into the massive body of water. With everything in him, he attempted to move himself to the surface. The sun moved further away with every kick.

 

_Without a life that's sadly stuck again_

_Wish I was much more masculine_

_Maybe then I could learn to swim_

_Like (fourteen miles away)_

 

“Use your glutes!” Josh turned his head and saw a faded image of Tyler cheering him on. “You got this, Josh!” Josh furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

 

_Now floating up and down I spin, colliding into sound_

_Like whales beneath me diving down_

 

Where the fuck was this music coming from? “Joshua,” Josh spun around with his arms and saw his mother, faded like Tyler, with her fingers on her temples. “Why do you have to upset him so much?”

 

_I'm sinking to the bottom of my_

_Everything that freaks me out_

_The lighthouse beam has just run out_

_I'm cold as cold as cold can be_

_Be_

 

Seriously. Where the fuck was that music coming from? A current hit his body with the force of a linebacker and Josh felt himself moving as the speed of a car on the highway.

 

_I want to swim away but don't know how_

_Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean_

_Let the waves up and take me down_

_Let the hurricane set in motion_

_Let the rain of what I feel right now come down_

_Let the rain come down_

 

Josh turned his body again to see where the current was forcing him towards. The black rock was all he could noticed by the time his face and body smashed against the stony surface. Everything went black and all he felt was pain. The song's volume seemed to decrease in volume…

 

_Into the ocean, end it all_

_Into the ocean, end it all_

_Into the ocean, end it all_

_Into the ocean, end it all_

***

 

“What the fuck,” Josh gasped as his cheek cooled against the wood flooring of his bedroom. He reached for his phone on his bedside table. It slid off the edge and hit him directly in the jaw. He angrily shut his alarm off, even more pissed off because it had entered his dream. When he saw the clock, he noticed it was about four in the morning. Josh remembered all of the homework he had to finish by eight in the morning and pushed himself from the floor he'd rolled onto from his bed. He stumbled over to his desk and sleepily opened his textbook to the problems he had been assigned in AP Calculus. His pencil was in his hand, his calculator was beside his blank sheet of paper and he was looking at a very basic problem for what they were covering in class. Yet, the pencil didn't move, the paper stayed blank and the problem lay unsolved. He simply stared. Motivation fleeted his mind and was replaced by images of Tyler's bruised and beaten body. Josh shook his head to rid himself of the image and stared again at the simple problem. Out of frustration, he grabbed the cover of the text book and began closing it.  _That's who I raised? Some lazy, childish retard?_

Josh kept the book open and forced himself, with all that he had in him, to finish every problem. His dad's voice repeating those same two sentences the entire time. It was both a blessing and a curse. Blessing: He always got his work done, regardless of his physical or psychiatric state. Curse: Never would his conditioning ever allow him any kind of slack. It was something that his therapist had brought up during that first session a few days ago. He needed to learn how to give himself a break, even if his father didn't. Well, that was easier said than done. Josh found himself fixated on his dream, keeping the difficulty to finish his homework at an all time high. His father would never be proud of him. His father was ashamed of him. Nothing Josh did, whether it be taking a series of AP classes, playing on the soccer and baseball teams or joining the National Honors Society; none of it fucking mattered. Josh even got into Princeton, with a full ride. His father simply said, "Did you even apply to Yale?" It was his dad's alma mater and Josh couldn't bare the thought of going there. He didn't even want to go to Princeton. Hell, he didn't even want to go to college. He didn't quite know what he wanted to do, but it sure as hell didn't involve more school. Josh feared his father disowning him if he even knew his son felt this way. 

Meanwhile, he was jealous of his siblings. All three of them; Jordan, Ashley and Abi. All of them received, not only their father's approval, but also his pride and praise. They were allowed music classes for more than just an extra credit, they were allowed games and movies. All these things he'd been deprived of so that he could focus on his studies and future career. Josh didn't understand what he'd done to deserve the title of _pariah_ in his family, but it was his and he owned it. During dinner, he'd long since given up trying to converse on any topic -- the risk of his dad becoming argumentative was too high -- and he'd quit going on family vacations two years ago. There was no point in trying to join this family when none of them hardly acknowledged his existence, save Ashley. She always attempted to be closer to Josh and was always by his side if their father began berating Josh in front of her. She knew that she was his 'little girl' and used it to her advantage. Not that it mattered in the end. Now their dad waited until Josh was alone. 

His thoughts kept diving deeper and deeper into his short-comings and flaws. Out of impulse, Josh reached for his phone.

 

To: Tyler

How are you doing?

 

A few minutes passed and Josh decided to open ' _Grapes of Wrath_ '. His phone buzzed loudly on his desk and he grabbed it. It was a little after six now.

 

From: Tyler

Spectacular. How'd you sleep?

 

To: Tyler

Woke up in my drool on the floor. Had the weirdest dream that I'll tell you about in school.

 

From: Tyler

I'll look forward to that. Anyway, I gotta get the kids ready. See you in first.

 

To: Tyler

|-/

 

From: Tyler

|-/


	13. I Kinda Like It, When I Make You Cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Abuse and self harm trigger warning.

"Zack," Tyler shouted across the house. "Set the table while I finish up." Zack came around the corner and into the kitchen to get the silverware and plate. "How was school today?" Tyler hadn't gone in, again, but instead went and bought more make up to cover his face at home. He'd also spent the day cleaning up the remainder of the broken glass in their mom's bedroom and whatever blood stains -- and a missing tooth -- from the living room carpet and tile floors. Zack had managed to distract the younger kids enough from seeing it all when he'd brought them in and when Tyler was rushing them off to the car for school in the morning. Now, the steam from the noodles and water being poured into the strainer felt good on Tyler's abnormally cool skin. Zack didn't answer Tyler, though. That was fine. Tyler wasn't going to press his brother. A loud noise shot through the kitchen and Tyler lost his grip on the pot causing another loud bang through the kitchen.

 

_"You better move faster, boy," his dad yelled before firing off another series of shots at Tyler's feet. He jumped more and moved faster casting short and terrified glances at his father. He was laughing hard enough to start tipping both him and his chair while also spilling some of his beer. His eyes were distant and glazed over when he finally quit pulling the trigger. He began heaving from the laughter. Tyler's eyes were brimmed with tears, he couldn't make out more than his dad's shape._

_"C-can I-I g-go ins-side n-n-now," Tyler stuttered as he held back his urge to sob. His dad's head moved up and down as he tried to gasp for air. Tyler began walking back towards the house._

_"Hey, Tyler," his dad breathed. "Basketball training." Tyler turned to see what his father was saying. "Think fast." Another loud bang came from the gun, swiftly followed by enough pain in Tyler's leg to make his knees buckle in agony. Tyler grabbed at where it hurt and pulled one of his hands away when he felt warm liquid flow between his fingers. Red, nothing but red. Iron with the scent of gun powder...._

 

Tyler screamed and held his calf tight in his hands. A futile effort to stop the pain in his leg. His back felt something cold through his wet double layered shirt. Tyler opened his eyes as the sun burned into them. "Ty," he heard a voice shout urgently. It had to be his mom, though it didn't sound right. She must've gotten home. She could stop dad, she always did when he went too far. "Ty, come on. You're alright. Listen to me, you're okay." The artificial lighting dimmed some and Zack's face came into view. He was older, shorter hair, smaller cheeks. Tyler felt himself gasping for air and he released his leg away from his chest. He put all of his weight against the cool wall behind him and counted in his head for him to breathe. "Are you okay," Zack asked. He looked terrified, through and through. More than that, though, he looked...guilty. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I-I'm sorry." 

"It's okay," Tyler breathed. He shakily wiped the tears from his eyes and face. His body was still like static from the panic he'd felt moments earlier, best represented by the tremor in his normally steady hands. "It's not like you meant to." Zack flinched a bit when Tyler said that, causing his older brother to become suspicious. A flare of anger started up in Tyler's chest. "You didn't mean to do that, did you?"

"I was j-just mad because," Zack stammered and paused. "M-mom still isn't home and you haven't t-told me an-anything-"

"Are you fucking kidding me," Tyler yelled and shot to his feet. Zack backed up to the fridge on the other side of the admittedly small kitchen. "You did that shit on purpose?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Tyler felt his blood boil and almost involuntarily stepped forward toward his brother. "Do you understand what I fucking go through when you decide to have one of your fucking tantrums?! You selfish son of a bitch! You realize that I could've fucking hurt you if I didn't get pulled out of it?! Is that what you want because dad's not fucking here to do it himself?!" Tyler had moved closer to Zack who kept sliding towards the entry of the kitchen and was now against the wall. 

"T-tyler, p-please d-don't h-hurt me," Zack stuttered out. Tyler didn't quite know why but this made him furious.

"Don't fucking hurt you," he asked, his question like venom. Tyler put his hand against his brother's chest and erased what little space there had been between the wall and his brother. Tyler held him there with ease as his brother seemed too scared to struggle out of it. His free hand was balled into a fist. " _ **I'm not our piece of shit father!**_ " Tyler forced his free fist forward with all of his rage. Zack's eyes were wide with terror and his face was the palest Tyler had seen it in a long time. Tyler pulled his fist back out of the large new hole in the wall next to his little brother's head. Then he took his hand off of his brother's shaking chest. Tyler averted his eye's from Zack's terrified gaze only to see Maddy holding a crying Jay against her chest, barely holding in tears of her own. Tyler's rage was swiftly replaced by guilt and shame. He took a deep breath and looked back over to Zack who's eyes were brimmed with tears. "Fi-finish serving dinner to the kids and then everyone goes to bed." Tyler moved towards the front door. Maddy and Jay coward back as he passed them. Tyler opened the front door and stopped. Without allowing himself to turn around to see what he'd done, he added, "Lock the door behind me." With that, he shut the front door behind him and pulled his keys from his pants pocket. After he was in, he slammed his car door mercilessly and slammed his fist onto his steering wheel several times before he quit to take a breath. A moment of silence filled his car before he leaned over to open his glove box and pulled out his "old friend". Without hesitation, he rolled up his long sleeved-under shirt and pressed the end of his box cutter to his clean arm. The metal pressed against his skin but didn't move. 

**_Just like your father. Always just like him. You lie, you cheat and more so than ever, you hurt. You hurt everyone around you all of the time. You were never any good for them. They don't need someone else who scares them the way you and your father do._ **

Tyler moved the blade horizontally. 

**_You deserve worse than that, come on._ **

Then again.

_**Are you too scared?** _

And again.

_**Maybe you're just too much like your dad.** _

And again.

_**Can't even take the punishment you deserve.** _

Again.

**_Why are you wasting time? You know what you deserve._ **

One more time.

**_FUCKING DO IT YOU COWARD!!!_ **

"NO!" Tyler threw the blade across the car, hearing the glass break at the passenger side window. His hands formed fists in his hair and pulled against his scalp. He felt his eyes tearing.

**_Awe, is little cry baby back?_ **

"Shut up," Tyler breathed. 

_**One of these days cry baby will give in, again. Just like last time.** _

Tyler gasped for air and he struggled with his pocket to get his cell phone.

**_Cry baby, cry. I can't wait to watch cry baby die._ **

He began dialing Josh's number.

**_Do you really think Joshie boy can help you?_ **

Two rings in.

**_What if he doesn't answer. I mean, what if he already hates you._ **

"Hey," Josh said into the phone. "It's not even past the kids' bedtime, yet. What's up?"

_**He knows.** _

"You wanna go for a drive," Tyler asked, keeping his voice as steady and normal as he could possibly do.

"Uh, yeah, sure," Josh said. "Let me just check with my dad, real fast. Hold up."

_**Even if he doesn't know about this, don't you think he'll find out about the other thing we did?** _

Tyler rubbed his temple. "Stop it."

**_Why? You sure didn't._ **

"Hey," Josh's voice came back on the line. "He's pissed but he didn't say I couldn't. I'll get dressed and meet you out front."

"Alright, I'm leaving me house now. See you in a minute."

"See ya," the line went dead and Tyler threw his phone in the passenger's seat. 

**_Will he still be your friend?_ **

A chill went down Tyler's spine. "Blurry...s-stop it." It was silent for a minute. Tyler shifted the car into reverse.

 

**_I don't think anyone will after they find out what you've done._ **


	14. I Am Not As Fine As I Seem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, guys.  
> I actually kind of like this chapter.  
> I hope you do.

The night air was cool for a change. Josh could tell fall would be here in a matter of weeks or less. Goosebumps covered his uncovered arms as he'd been waiting for Tyler the past half hour outside. Originally, the living room was a great idea until his dad gave him the usual 'responsibility' lecture. He'd walked the block after that and ended up sitting cross legged at the end of his driveway. Josh felt himself begin to panic and he pulled out his cell. The recording played and he went through the motions. His panic subsided but his worry didn't. Tyler had sounded normal on the phone but that didn't mean anything. Josh had gotten used to Tyler being good at hiding his issues behind his skull. Josh wondered more than ever what was going on in there, in his mind. Josh had a bad feeling, one he hadn't felt since the end of junior year when Tyler started going off the rails. They hadn't quite been friends, yet. At least, not like they were now and had become over summer break. It didn't mean Josh hadn't cared about Tyler, just meant that they only hung out during group therapy and Shakespeare with Mr. Stanley. It's funny, how much had changed in the past four and a half months. Josh had a new best friend, Tyler had relapsed during his father's previous 'redemption' episode and then got back on track and they had both graduated out of intense out-patient therapy. Funny, not even during that time period had Josh's dad thought his son needed therapy and that Josh was over exaggerated his 'issues'. In fact, he'd never seen his dad so angry. Josh had cost him money, could he really blame his dad? 

Tyler's car pulled up in front of Josh and the passenger window was pulled down. Josh stood up and went to the car. "Dude, what took so long?" 

"Had to stop by somewhere on my way. What are you doing outside looking like someone just killed your dog," Tyler asked. Josh made a face and got into the passenger's seat. "Your dad, again?" Josh nodded. Tyler moved his head up and down slowly and put the car in park. Josh looked at him confused as Tyler proceeded to unbuckle his seat belt and open his door. "Stay in here." Tyler got out of the car and slammed his door.

Josh felt himself freeze in place as Tyler jogged up the driveway. He couldn't move his legs, maybe he was still confused, but the car window was still rolled down. "Tyler!" Tyler didn't turn around, though, just went straight for the front door. "Tyler, stop!" Josh felt strength return to his legs at the same time the front door opened. Josh pushed himself out of the car.

"May I speak to Mr. Dun, please," Tyler was asking Josh's mom. His mom stood puzzled and began nodding her head for a minute until she saw Josh.

"No, mom, it's okay. Don't bother dad, Tyler's just playing," Josh breathed and grabbed at his friend's arm. Tyler shook it off.

"Actually, I'm not playing and have some quick questions for him. Maybe you could answer for him," Tyler began. 

Josh started to panic. "Ty, no."

"What gives that piece of shit the right to treat his own son this way? What does he have to prove? That he's macho, that he's the 'man in charge'. Or is it simply because he's Ohio's biggest dick and all in an effort to compensate for his rather micro-size one he's got below the belt," he pause a moment for effect and then whispered, "Sorry about that, by the way." Josh's mom looked stunned and paralyzed in shock as a gust of wind flew through her nightgown. "If he wants to prove something, try proving that he's not a total tool and respect the fact that Josh is twice the man that that old emotionally constipated fuck will ever be." 

"Ty, stop. Let's go," Josh started until he heard his father walking towards the front door.

"What did you just say, boy?"

Tyler turned to Josh for a moment, "Did you know he was so full of shit that his hearing was backed up, too?" Tyler turned and looked at the angry man in the eye. "And I always thought it stopped at bad breath. What's next, your vision? Josh, I wonder if we wait here long enough, if we'll see his eyes turn brown." Josh instinctively moved between the men and force Tyler back away. 

"I want you off my property. Now," Josh's dad was pissed, to say the least. His face was red and his eyes were wild.

Josh kept pushing at Tyler. "He was just leaving dad." Tyler never broke eye contact with his newfound rival as Josh kept pushing him back down the driveway. After Josh heard the front door close, Tyler finally turned away and stormed into his car. Josh moved into the seat next to him and tried to buckle while Tyler floored the gas. "Why did you do that?!"

"Why did you stop it," Tyler retorted. 

"He's never going to let me hang out with you, again."

"You're eighteen," Tyler said with a shrug. "You can do what you want. Fuck him."

"You know he'll kick me out."

"Then you can stay with me."

"Ty, what's going on with you," Josh asked. The car slowed and his friend took a breath.

"I'm just," he started. For a moment, it looked he was battling some invisible force inside his mind. The next moment, he shook his head and a kind of fire returned to his gaze. "I'm tired of the way he treats you. And I'm tired of him making you believe you deserve it and that it means he loves you." Josh sat there in silence for a minute, figuring that would indicate that he wanted Tyler to keep talking. "And I know you believe it. Maybe not all of the time and maybe it's not always at the surface, but you do and it's all bullshit! Your the best kid I've ever seen and you're going places, Josh. I'm tired of that old cock sucker telling you otherwise." Josh remained focused on Tyler. His head would twitch side to side every now and then, his right eye was definitely twitching because Tyler kept blinking and his hand gripped the wheel tight enough to make his scabbed knuckles white around the scabs and through the bruises. Josh was accustomed to Tyler's knuckles being injured and he'd never asked his friend about it. "And I hate how you let him just kick you down like a dog. And I know I'm being hypocritical here but I don't care. You're my friend and I'm tired of him doing this to you. You don't deserve it." Josh hung his head for a moment, letting the air from his window to fill the noise in the car. Tyler didn't say anymore, Josh didn't think he wanted to. Something was going on in his head, something Josh could figure out and it bothered him. 

"Ty," Josh said weakly. He almost wondered if Tyler heard him but the clench of his friend's jaw indicated otherwise. "What's going on with you?" Tyler's jaw clenched and unclenched simultaneously with his grip on the steering wheel. When he didn't say anything, Josh decided to keep going. "You have to talk to me, Tyler. You have to let me help or listen, at least." Tyler remained silent and gently pulled the steering wheel to go down a dirt road. City light remained in their rear view and ahead of them lay an eerie darkness. Tyler pulled off onto the shoulder of the road and put the car in park. Josh just kept looking at him, searching for something that could answer his question, anything. Tyler didn't necessarily look alright, but his face was Pandora's box, unopened and full of something Josh wasn't sure he wanted to see. His curiosity and love for his friend weighed heavier, though. "Tyler, come on. This works both ways." Tyler looked down into his lap and then up to stare at the steering wheel. In silence, he pulled the key from the ignition and opened his car door.

"Come on," Tyler said softly. With that, he was out of the car, with the door shutting easily behind him. Josh was getting out when Tyler was rummaging through his trunk. Josh took a rolled blanket from his friend and helped him carry the ice chest, knowing full well that any strain on Tyler had to be hurting his unhealed injuries. They walked a few meters into the field, setting down the ice chest and unrolled the blanket over the grass. They set down at each end of the blanket and Tyler reached into the chest. A store bought sub sandwich landed in Josh's lap. "What do you want to drink? Beer or soda?"

"Soda," Josh replied. "Can't drink on my meds." Tyler complied and handed over a grape soda. He took out a sub of his own and a beer. They might just end up spending the night out here. The night was quiet with only the noise of crickets and their chewing to be heard and a faint breeze keeping them cool. The both of them looked up into the star filled sky that lit their night. There was always something about stars for, Josh. He would feel a sense of euphoria, significance and insignificance all at once. If anything, the light in this sky had always given him hope. There was something, someone out there staring back at him and maybe, just maybe, they'd come down and save him. Josh knew Tyler was different. He saw the stars and would see himself alone in a world he didn't belong to.

"I lost my cool," Tyler's voice confessed softly into the night. Josh dropped his gaze from the sky to see his friend staring into his own lap. Josh was about to open his mouth to forgive Tyler about what happened with his dad before Tyler continued. "Zack slammed the damn drawer shut and then I dropped the pot into the sink and the noise just.... It sent me into an episode and when I came to, Zack had done it on purpose and I.... I didn't hurt him, I don't think but I, uh... I scared him and the kids pretty bad." Tyler raised his head to look at Josh, his eyes magnified by unshed tears that glistened in the starlight. "How could I do that to them," he pleaded more than asked. "They've already seen so much.... Been through so much and I just...terrified them."

"Ty-"

"No," Tyler stopped him. "I'm supposed to protect them and keep them safe. Who am I to do that if I'm just as bad as what I'm defending them from?"

"You're not," Josh said.

Tyler shook his head and gave a painful smirk. "You don't know that."

"Yes I do." Tyler looked into the dark field before him. "You're nothing like your dad, Ty. Not a damn thing." Tyler's gaze didn't waver but neither did Josh's. "Yeah, you lost your shit." Tyler flinched at this. "Everyone does and to be honest, I'm just glad you didn't actually wail on him for doing that because I would've at least smacked him upside the head."

"You didn't see their eyes, Josh," Tyler's voice broke and he took a deep breath. Josh could tell he was fighting back tears and wished he wouldn't. If anyone on this planet had a reason to cry, it was him. Tyler turned his eyes up to meet Josh's and in that moment, Josh could feel his heart break. It was rare when Tyler confessed any of his feelings. Right now, though, he wasn't just confessing, his eyes were stripped of their armor. Tyler allowing Josh a peak into his soul and all Josh could see was pain. Immense pain that could never be delivered in words. "I'm messed up, Josh. I'm messed up and now I'm putting it on everyone around me. I just keep hurting people." Josh had no words. None. There was no composition of sentences that could strip away Tyler's pain and sorrow. No amount of oxygen could replace the hurt inside his friend's lungs and replace it with hope and reassurance. Instead, Josh put his food and soda to the side and moved over to Tyler. His arms wrapped gently around the boy's shoulders, head rested against Josh's chest. "Why am i so fucked up....why am I like this...." Josh just held him. He wanted to protect Tyler from the world as Tyler had done for him. Unlike Tyler, though, Josh didn't have words of wisdom. He couldn't derive advice from his mind. Everything Josh felt had to be delivered in action. It was all he had as he'd lost his voice somewhere along the way. Tyler wasn't sobbing, he might not have even let a single tear fall, but his body had a tremor going through it. After a few minutes, Tyler began pulling away from Josh who casually let him go and then sat down again. Tyler held his hands in his head.

A few more minutes of silence fell before Josh asked, "Tyler, when did you quit taking your meds?"

Tyler didn't move at first but then looked up, allowing his hands to fall into his lap. He grabbed his beer and took a swig. "Almost a month ago, now." Josh's heart skipped a beat. How could he not have realized this sooner? How could he not have seen the signs? "Before you go blaming yourself, because I know you; a person can remain fairly stable for some time, before they start showing signs otherwise." Josh nodded his head to indicate that he understood what Tyler had just said. "I just hate those meds...."

Josh realized Tyler had ceased talking and decided to ask another question, "When's the last time you saw your therapist or psychiatrist?" 

Tyler finished his beer, crumpled the can and tossed it into the chest and grabbed another, opening the can before answering. "About a month and a half, now." He chugged down the can's contents and crumpled it. After throwing it to join the other, Tyler grabbed for one more. Well, Josh was definitely driving tonight if they planned on leaving. "You're the only one that knows, too, by the way."

"Why did you stop everything?" 

Tyler shrugged in response. "I guess I'm tired of being a headcase. I'm tired of being reminded that I am one. I'm sure as hell tired of pills that slow me down and make me less...me." Tyler took a drink and chuckled. "And I'm tired of my dick not working." Josh blinked at this and couldn't help but laugh. "Curse of being a compliant nutcase," he said with a laugh.

"Yeah, I've started noticing that myself," Josh agreed. The laughter died and then Josh felt a need to add, "It's worth it, though. I'd rather keep a straight head and a limp dick than the other way around."

Tyler laughed, "That's 'cause you're not getting any."

"Pfft, and you are," Josh retorted. Tyler laughed and shook his head.

He took another drink and replied, "In the event, I'd like to be ready." Josh finished off his soda and Tyler his own drink. Tyler grabbed them both replacements and he opened his immediately. "Hey, Ty," Josh began. His voice indicated where this question was going. Tyler's eyes were reforming their tough exterior. "Is, is he...back?" Tyler just stared at him and raised an eyebrow. He was going to make Josh say it. "Blurry, is he...back?"

"Nope," Tyler answered without hesitation. "Not, yet, at least. Who knows, maybe he won't this time." Tyler took another drink and then lied down with his drink resting on his chest and his head on his arm. Josh just looked at him for a moment and then replicated Tyler's position. The stars still lay beautifully above them, but now Josh felt something different. Uncertainty. 


	15. How Did I Get Here, Sitting Next to You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conjoined like twins  
> (alternating Tyler & Josh POV & Zack's)
> 
> And a time jump.  
> (It was a Wednesday last chapter and is now Saturday)  
> Oh, and drugs....

The girl in pink...no wait, she was pink and...naked? Tyler squinted his eyes to see her better. Yep, definitely naked, his eyes confirmed. They confirmed a lot right now, though. Anyway, she was waving and twirling her finger seductively towards him, beckoning him over to her. Past the moving colors and visibly vibrant sound waves or energy that filled the room, her tongue grazed over her lips. Vines grew and twisted around him to go to her, through this euphoric feeling of intense oneness. Tyler believed they were manipulated by the pink girl that continued to call him. He allowed them to pull him near to her and then against her. Their bodies were close and waves of seductive electricity radiated between them. Her fingers entangled each other, joining at the back of his neck, and worked together to pull his head down to her. Her lips sent waves into his mind that he couldn't comprehend. It felt so god damn good...

They kissed for what felt like millennia, passionate and vibrant the entire way through. That's when her hands let go and a straw was placed in Tyler's nostril. She closed the other one with her finger tip, "Breeaaattthhheee," she whispered. Tyler snorted in the contents and jerked his head back involuntarily. The pain was there, but fuck...it was so good. The image of the girl seemed to jump from smiling with silver in her hands to her hands being free, her face serious and taking Tyler into the room next to them by the neck. He complied without protest and placed his hands on her waist.

 

***

 

"Tyler!" Josh had been yelling over the crowd of high/drunk teenagers for the past fifteen minutes and his voice was beginning to give out. These past few days with Tyler had just...not been Tyler.  _Tyler_ didn't do this sort of thing. Lord knows the manic version of his friend enjoyed this sort of thing a little too much. He went from being socially awkward to a social "butterfly" who didn't care about anyone or anything. Josh was just waiting for the full psychotic break, or better yet, trying to prevent it by getting him to take his meds. Josh couldn't believe how rapidly his friend's mind went "up". Maybe it was his mom still not coming home, or his dad's abrupt re-entry and disappearance that sent him over, who really knew? Either way, Tyler's mind was going and Josh had to pull him back. If he remembered anything from Tyler, it didn't take long of being "up" until it nose-dived downward into the worst depression imaginable. Josh had seen it once, Zack told him about the other times and how bad his older brother had gotten. "Tyler!" 

"Josh!" Zack shouted through the people. Josh moved his way to the freshman and stopped in front of him. "I think I've found him-"

"Hheeeyyyy, baaabbbyyy," the girl shouted as she began grinding on Josh's leg. 

Josh pushed her off as gently as possible but enough to get her off, "Get lost!"

"Fffoock you too fagggoott," she shouted back and left. Josh shook his head.

"Follow me," Zack said and began making his way through the crowd, Josh directly behind. The further they walked, the calmer people seemed to be around them, some on couches, falling asleep, with make-shift tourniquets around their arms. Josh's stomach felt like it was doing cartwheels at this point. If Ty... "Shit!" Zack turned around and pointed at the couch, "I thought I saw him there but..."

"Hey, you probably just spooked him. Let's ask..." Josh noticed that every single one of the the people around them were gone and lost to their chemical bliss. 

 

***

 

In the sheets, his skin crawled to no end. Maybe he had too much of whatever she gave him. Either way, he was awake and he was about ready for another round with his this "pink" enigma. Tyler figured out she wasn't actually pink but that didn't deter his gaze from her glistening skin. She seemed like she might want to join him, again until she jolted from the banging on the door. Tyler turned his head as the door opened and a shorter kid with brown hair and a sad expression stepped into the dimly lit room. "Zack," Tyler exclaimed, surprised. 

Zack turned his head, "Josh! I found him!" Tyler pushed himself to his elbows and began looking around the room. Where were his pants?

 

***

 

"Come on, get your clothes on." Josh overheard Zack as he entered the room. 

 Josh nearly slammed into Tyler's sweat soaked and nearly naked body when he dashed around the corner. "Holy shit," Tyler exclaimed. He was staring at Josh's chest with wide eyes and his jaw dropped. He looked up at Josh's face, then back at his chest and kept repeating the same motion. Josh looked down but didn't notice anything. Tyler's jaw and eyes recovered and turned into a smile when he stared at Josh. "You got some honkin' nipples," he said as he extended his fingers where his own nipples were, just to offer an example. He wiggled his fingers and looked down at them. "Nipples are weird, man...." Tyler began pinching and poking his own and seemed inclined to stay that way.

"Ty," Josh breathed and rubbed his eyes. "Get your clothes on." Tyler looked up from his chest and then complied. He pulled up the pants that were around his ankles and Zack handed him his shirt. Before Tyler put it on, Josh quickly glanced at the healing bruises over his ribs and the scabbed cut -- that would surely scar -- on his best friend's chest. At least nothing looked worse or infected. Once Tyler finished dressing Josh began leading the Joseph's out of the large house party. The crowd made Josh's skin heat up and set his nerves on fire. When the cool air hit them, it was all too sweet. Tyler was stumbling but able to walk straight enough as he hummed some tune through the air with a smile spread over his face. 

"What are you so happy about," Zack asked, not without a tinge of anger. Josh knew it wasn't the best way to go about it but understood why Zack was pissed. Josh was, too. After Wednesday night in the field, they'd woken up and Tyler took Josh home. That had been the last anyone had really seen him at the Joseph household, outside of stumbling into his house at three in the morning the night before. Zack had tried to talk to him but Tyler had pushed him out of his room telling him that he needed to figure something out. 

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows and looked at his younger brother, "I got laid, what do you think?"

Not even Zack could argue. Instead, he handed over a bottle of water. "Drink this. The seal isn't broken so it should be alright." Tyler didn't hesitate to choke down the bottle's contents and afterwards, he shook his head back and forth like he was shaking cobwebs loose. "Tyler, where the hell have you been?"

"With the pink girl," Tyler said. "She's nice and she gives me stuff that works about three times better than anything I've ever tried." Tyler stopped in the middle of the street they were crossing to get to the other sidewalk. He pulled a baggy from his pocket and Josh noticed a numerous amount of blue pills. He began opening it and Josh snatched the bag away. 

"What the hell, Tyler," he yelled. 

"Come on, Blurry said it was okay-" Josh felt his breath come to a halt in his chest as his heart skipped a beat. Tyler put his hand over his mouth, then whispered through them, "I wasn't supposed to tell you that." Tyler dropped his hand from his face and dropped his gaze to Josh's chest. "Blurry's gonna be pissed...." Tyler seemed to be contemplating at some level. His gaze lifted and his face reformed into euphoric joy. "Screw it, I'll handle that later. Right now I'm gonna have some fun." Josh felt the bag snatched from his grasp and Tyler waved it in front of him. He began to run down the road and to the nearby park.

 

***

 

Zack almost raced after Tyler who decided running in the park in the middle of the night was a good idea, until he noticed that his older brother was chasing bugs. "He didn't take anymore of those pills did he?"

"Not one, he's still feeling whatever that chick at the party gave him," Josh answered. He looked lost in painful thought, a look Zack was all too familiar with. "We need to tell Kelly." 

Zack felt a pang in his heart and cleared his throat, "Mom hasn't been home since that night dad hurt Ty. She's called once but that was just to see if we were okay. She didn't tell me where she was or what happened." 

Josh looked over, surprised. "What? Is she still at the hospital?"

"Hospital," Zack asked and his heart skipped a beat. Josh looked confused by the question. "Tyler said she was partying with dad. What makes you think she's in the hospital?"

"Ty, said...," 

"Hey, guys," Tyler yelled as he ran back to them. "I'm starving. Who wants to take a trip to Taco Bell?" Josh stayed silent and just stared confused back and forth between the brothers. Zack focused his gaze on Tyler who furrowed his eyebrows. "What are you guys, like...not hungry?"

"Where's mom," Zack said, semi-threatening. Tyler squinted his eyes for a moment, almost as if accepting a challenge. "Where's mom, Tyler?"

"Who gives a fuck," Tyler said and started to walk away, Zack grabbed his elbow and pulled him back around. "Why do you need to know? It's not like she ever did a fucking thing for us anyway. I take care of you, Maddie and Jay. Not her. I do it on my own with little to no goddamn help from her."

"Ty," Zack nearly yelled. "Where is she?"

Tyler's expression softened but not before his eyes flashed something unreadable. "She's at the hospital with dad." 

"Did he hurt her," Zack asked. He felt himself feeling as though all time stopped and moved too fast all at once.

"He...he started to," Tyler said and dropped his gaze. The older brother ran his hand through his hair roughly and looked back up. "He started to and I stopped him. She's fine. Him, not so much." The three of them remained quiet in the cool night air. Zack trying to wrap his brain around what Tyler was trying to say.

"How'd you stop him, Ty," Josh asked. "You were messed up that night, man. How did you stop him?"

Tyler looked as though he might explode out of frustration. "I stopped him. Mom's okay. Isn't that all that should matter?" 

"No, not this time, Tyler," Zack said. "Tell us what happened."

Tyler's face looked a lot better now and he didn't bother wearing any make-up to hide his bruises, but that didn't take away from what Zack remembered him looking like. Right now, though, his older brother looked like a ghost haunted by their own past life. "He was going to town on me and he...he kept going and then mom stepped in. She stepped in and she shouldn't have...," he paused. He ran his hand through his hair again before continuing. "She was....she was screaming but he kept going.... He kept tearing her cloths with a knife and I-I couldn't hardly move but when I could.... I tackled him to the floor and I h-hit him. After a bit h-he looked out of it and mom d-didn't look so good, so I...I carried her to my car. I a-almost put the car in gear when he p-pulled her out and slammed her onto the ground. By the time I opened my door he was there with the knife and I had my, uh...," Tyler hesitated. 

"Your box cutter," Josh finished for him. Tyler nodded and Zack looked at Josh confused. 

"Yeah," Tyler nodded. "And I...uh...I cut his arm and grabbed his knife. He got up again and I, uh, I stabbed him. I stabbed him in the shoulder and a c-couple times in the arm. He w-was bl-bleeding pretty bad and m-mom took him to the hospital in h-her car.... and I d-didn't know what to...." Tyler's voice was gone and he let himself drop to the grass, sitting with his elbows on his knees and began grabbing and pulling at his hair. Josh dropped beside him and put a hand on the boy's shoulder. Zack knelt down in front of them, still attempting to comprehend what Tyler just told him.

"She...just," Zack stammered. Tyler's breathing was still erratic and Josh looked at Zack with a warning to stop straining Tyler's mind, but he had to ask. "She just left you there? In the state you were in. She just...left you?" 

Tyler looked up, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. Zack didn't understand how Tyler was able to hold in tears the way he was. "What else is new," he said with a shrug. 


	16. Don't Let Me Be Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story is drawing to a close. 
> 
> Considering a series, tell me what you think.

They traveled to the edge of the park where Josh's dad's Blazer was parked. They'd left it there in search of the house party in the neighborhood. Tyler had fallen asleep in the backseat, snoring softly. "So, last time you saw him, how long had he been awake," Zack asked breaking the silence of the smooth ride back to the Joseph household.

"I thought he'd been going home to sleep, at least that's what he told me," Josh explained. "Turns out he was meeting up with his 'pink lady' the whole time. I don't know how much the guy's actually slept."

"Yeah," Zack replied, to no one in particular. "He's been lying for a while, hasn't he?"

Josh let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes briefly before he answered, "Yeah, Zack. I think he has." Josh hated to say that because he loved Tyler, but he also had to accept that maybe his friend wasn't exactly the person Josh always imagined him as. At the same time, he did know one thing about Tyler. "All the same, for better or worse, I think he was just trying to protect everyone. Even if that meant he had to drown to do so."

"What does he have to protect us from," Zack questioned.

"To Tyler, he probably thought he had to save you, Maddie and Jay from the hell he went through last weekend with your dad," Josh answered. Every word paining him more and more. "If I know Tyler at all, he probably thought he had to save all of us from himself. I mean, you know your brother; he thinks everything is his responsibility. Like he has to put on a cape and mask every morning and doesn't care that he isn't bullet proof."

"I shouldn't have scared him on Wednesday," Zack muttered so low Josh barely caught it.

"Hey," Josh said, putting a stop to this train of thought immediately. "You didn't cause _this_ ," he gestured his thumb to the backseat. "I'm not saying what you did was right but it didn't cause Tyler to stop taking his meds and seeing his doctors. He made that choice, not you, Zack."

"If he didn't have to take care of me all of the damn time and I actually helped out with the kids, maybe he wouldn't have-"

"Stop. I don't want to hear that crap." Josh felt himself go into 'protective big brother-mode'. Not that it was an unusual feeling toward the freshman. "Whatever is going on inside of your brother's head was done to him over and over again, starting from a really young age. He loves you and he would never blame you for this. Ever. I know for a fact that he would do anything for you. Anything, when he's in his right mind. Hell, even earlier, in the state he's in, he was still trying to protect you from knowing the truth about everything that happened. Hell, he went over to the house that night so no one else would have to and your mom wouldn't take the brunt of your dad's rage."

The cab fell silent for a bit. "And she just...left him," Zack said, almost to himself. "How could she do that? I'm not saying I don't get why she took dad to the hospital if he was bleeding as bad as Ty said he was, but.... How could she just... _leave him_?"

Josh recalled finding Tyler stumbling and unable to move in the park. His face was a mess of swelling and the fastest bruise formation Josh had ever witnessed right before his eyes and blood.... Josh shook the memory away, almost literally, jerking his head back and forth briefly. It was something he saw Tyler do a lot, something Josh was beginning to understand more about this past week. "I couldn't tell you, Zack. Only she could and even then, I don't know if she even understands why. Maybe Tyler scared her. Maybe it was the adrenaline.... I really don't know, Zack. I just know that he's alive and unwell right now," Josh said with a lot more confidence in his voice than was actually present. "And we got fix him up. Protect him, like he's done for everyone else."

Zack nodded. "Should we take him back to the hospital?"

"Let's let him rest in his bed, first. In the morning we can get a hold of his psychiatrist's emergency number and request an urgent appointment or advice on what to do," Josh answered. Zack just nodded, his gaze falling to his feet under the dash. The rest of the drive was quiet, both boys lost in thought and contemplation. Josh felt genuinely worried for Zack's safety. It wasn't that he was afraid the Tyler he knew would hurt any of his siblings, he was worried that Blurry would dig his claws into Tyler's psyche and cause him lash out like he had before Josh met him in the intensive outpatient program. Tyler hadn't talked about it much but from what he described, Blurryface had convinced him that his family wasn't his family. Tyler had said something along the lines of, 'Paranoia set in. My siblings were possessed and my dad was the devil trying to overtake my mom'. Josh knew he wasn't there, yet, but he also knew that if Blurry was back and had likely been back for longer than Tyler let on, then it was only a matter of time until the other shoe dropped and his friend wouldn't be himself anymore. Josh couldn't have that. He couldn't lose his friend in any way, shape or form. He needed Tyler, as much as his friend always attempted to convince him otherwise, he did. Before they'd met and had become friends, Josh could hardly function. The despair that had set in throughout his teenage years had become overbearing, but it was nothing in comparison with overwhelming fear that took hold every second of every day. Josh could handle depression. He could stand to feel hopeless, lose sleep but stay in bed and be overall miserable with the deep sadness. In the end, it was his constant panicking, second guessing and doubt that had encouraged him to make his attempt. Slit his wrists if only to stop being so damn scared. Just one morning, one morning that he wouldn't have to wake up not even knowing for sure if he was real or not. Then Tyler showed up in his life. Started out as small talk and joking during group. They'd actually been thrown out together a few times because, apparently, it was wrong to make suicide puns during a 'stop suicide' support group. Who knew? They sit out in the hall and chuckle until they were picked up by their moms. The more Tyler had become apart of his life, the more he was able to laugh, the less he felt like despair had won and most of all, he stopped being scared of everything. Tyler gave Josh a sort of confidence in himself and a reassurance that, even if impending doom was upon them, at least they'd laugh about it. His fears and insecurities had slimmed a lot but they hadn't disappeared entirely. Now, he had an overwhelming fear that Tyler couldn't help; maybe with time, but certainly not now. The fear of losing his best friend to his own mind. Something Tyler had said the morning after the field, 'I'm at the mercy of my own mind, Josh'. There was something about the way he'd said it, something about how his eyes had hardened, distanced and darkened when he'd said it that shook Josh to his core. An unwavering feeling that Tyler had given up. He ran the race, he fought the fight, but what happened the night it was all torn down around him? What if Josh wasn't there when it did?

Josh shook his head out of his thoughts as they approached the house and pulled up in the driveway next to the neighbor's Sonata. Ashley lived down the street and had promised to take care of Maddie and Jay while the older boys searched for Tyler. Ashley had also become a good friend at school to Josh and Tyler. She liked hanging out with them in the music building, the three of them on their preferred instruments playing whatever songs the three of them had written. Josh just liked sitting back on his drums to watch Tyler play keyboard and alternating vocals with Ashley. Josh hoped the future held more moments like those, soon. Not just for him but for Tyler, who's mind was waging war on itself. "I'll get Tyler, you go ahead inside and put the kids to bed if they're not there already," Josh ordered softly to Zack. 

Zack didn't budge out of the car, though, "Josh," he asked softly. He didn't look at Josh either. "Can I take Tyler? I, uh- I need to talk to him a bit, alone and...," He paused and looked up at Josh. Zack's eyes were brimmed with tears, "I can't face them, yet, Josh. I can't...."

"Hey, it's okay," Josh said, putting a hand on the boy's shoulder. He debated for a minute and then said, "I'll go in and take care of it so that you can be alone with Ty. I'll stay with you to wake him up, first just in case he wakes up scared, alright?" The boy nodded. "Then I'll leave you two alone. Just don't push him too much tonight. His mind's going to need some rest from thinking too hard." Zack nodded again and turned around in his seat.

He put his hand gently on Tyler's knee and shook, "Ty, get up. We're at the house." Tyler's eyes flickered open, at first his breathing was rapid and Josh was getting ready to comfort him back to being calm, but Tyler seemed to get a handle on it himself. Josh nodded to Zack and left the car. The porch light was on and it looked like the living room light was, as well. Josh knocked and waited for someone to answer. 

 

***

 

Josh had shut the engine off but left the keys in the ignition for the two brothers to keep the A/C on. Tyler seemed to be mostly awake now but didn't bother trying to exit the vehicle, most likely knowing full well why Zack had stayed in the car. He needed to talk to his older brother. He didn't know why but he _really_ needed Tyler alone right now. "Hey, Ty," Zack started, though he didn't know what he was trying to say. A part of him really did know, but he didn't know if he actually wanted the answer to his question. "How, uh... how you feeling?"

Tyler nodded his head up and down. "Confused, m-mostly but I'm pretty s-sober at this point." Tyler wasn't looking at him. He wasn't looking at anything, just staring off in the distance. Seeing something in his head no one would/could ever witness but him. "I-I'm sorry I skipped out on you these past couple days, Zack. I just... I didn't want to hurt you." 

Zack nodded. "You didn't hurt me that night, Ty," he reassured. Tyler looked up at him now. "You had every right to and I know that, but you didn't. You stopped yourself when anyone else would've taken my head off." 

Tyler shook his head, "No. There's no reason for anyone, even me, to lay their hands on you Zack." Tyler's voice was stern and determined, he sounded like Zack's brother now and Zack didn't know how much longer it would last with Blurry present in his mind. "What I did was still wrong, Zack. I scared you and horrified Maddie and Jay. Not just that night but when I decided not to come home, either. I have a responsibility and I just ran. It was wrong and I'm sorry, kid."

Zack's vision was blurry and he hopped out of the car and entered the backseat. Without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around his older brother who held him tightly just the same. "I don't say this a lot, but I love you, Ty." 

Ty held Zack tighter, "I love you, too."

They stayed that way for a bit longer before they separated. Zack built up the courage, knowing Tyler seemed somewhat stable now, to finally ask, "W-with d-dad.... He's alive, right?"

Tyler nodded slowly, "Yeah, he's alive. Mom said he's going to be discharged at some point this weekend."

"And then he'll be home?" Tyler nodded slowly in response. "I don't want him here, Ty. He's gonna hurt you. He might kill you and I-I rather have him dead than you. You're...," Zack stumbled over his words. "You're more of a father to us then he ever was. He's a piece of shit and I wish he was dead. And mom's a bitch for just... just letting him do whatever the hell he wants to us."

Tyler put his arm around Zack's shoulder, pulling his brother against him. Zack took a lot of comfort in this, his body quit shivering as much and his breath steadied to match Tyler's. "We'll figure everything out, Zack. I just gotta get my head right again and get to work with Pete at the shop, save up some money, then it can be just the four of us: You, Maddie, Jay and me," Tyler said softly. Then added, "We'll probably steal Josh, too. I'll need the help and his dad's a dick, anyway." Zack chuckled and nodded. He couldn't deny that he hated Josh's dad, too. He didn't like how Mr. Dun talked about and to his own son. Zack always thought he'd rather take his dad's haymaker than a thirty minute lecture from Josh's dad. "We'll be okay, Zack. I promise. I'll make everything okay, starting with my own head. I'll kick Blurry the hell out and keep it that way. But I'm gonna be honest with you," Tyler's voice became a certain kind of serious that had Zack's full attention. "He's back and here right now and I'm really tired. He hasn't been letting me sleep a whole lot. The car ride was the first time in three days and it always gets worse with no sleep. And I'm not feeling like myself too much, right now." 

Zack nodded. "Let's get you inside and asleep. We'll worry about everything when you wake up. Do you want to take your medication tonight."

"Yeah, they're in the gun safe. You know the combo?" 

"Have since I was twelve." 

Tyler chuckled. "Yeah, me too."

"I'll get your meds and some water and take them to you."

"Thanks Zack," Tyler said with a small grin. Zack could tell his older brother was being tormented currently. His eye was twitching and he began blinking rapidly. "You're a good person."

"Yeah," he said in response. "You are too." Tyler didn't respond to that, just looked at Zack, gave him a forced smile and began stepping out of the Blazer.

"Don't forget the keys in the ignition, kid," Tyler reminded. Zack reached to the drivers seat, retrieved the keys and followed his brother into the house.

 

***

 

"Alright, I think he might actually be asleep for the night," Zack said and slumped into the chair opposite Josh at the kitchen table. He'd opted to let Zack tend to his older brother's medication. Josh knew that Zack was the type of person who needed to know he was doing something to help. He couldn't just be told. "Did you get the shrink's number?"

Josh nodded. For some reason, his ability to verbalize had become hindered at some point after he saw Ashley off. Wearing a mask had a capacity to break him down in every way. It didn't help that he had this feeling in his gut. He wanted so much so just blame it on random anxiety but the feeling refused to be rationalized that way. 

Zack's eyes grew wary, "How are you holding up, Josh?"

"I'm good," Josh started. "Just anxious and... I don't know. Could just be the meds. I'm still adjusting to 'em."

"Have you taken them tonight," Zack asked.

"No, but I brought them with me in the car. I'll go out and get them in a minute. Just won't take the one for sleep tonight. If I don't come back with the Blazer, my dad will kill me," Josh explained. Zack nodded and rested his head on his arms that had been crossed on the table's surface. "What time is it, anyway?"

Zack looked behind Josh at the clock on the wall. "Almost midnight. I think you're a little late on your meds." Josh chuckled a bit and nodded. "You should probably go take 'em now."

Josh nodded in agreement but didn't stand. He looked at the boy who's shoulders were hunched, his eyes were tired and his general demeanor indicated he was coming down out of the shock of today. "How are you doing, Zack?"

The boy shrugged. "I don't know. Probably won't until morning." Josh didn't respond because he understood what the boy meant. You never felt it, not really, until a day or a few days after. Sometimes it takes a lot longer for that. Right now they were all still trying to process what was happening.

Josh tapped the table with his knuckles and stood up. "Well, you did good today." Josh went to open up the front door and began twisting the knob.

"Josh," Zack called softly. Josh turned around enough to look over at the tired boy. "Blood doesn't mean shit," he paused for a minute. "What-what I'm trying to say is that, you're a really good big brother. I'm glad you're here." 

Josh smiled. Through all of this chaos and confusion, he felt something he'd never really felt before outside of Tyler. Acceptance. "Well, it's 'cause I got a little brother like you." Zack smiled back at him and then Josh felt like he made a difference. Maybe he needed proof he helped, too. "I'll be right back." Josh opened the door and took a step when enough force hit his face to force him to stumble back into the house.  


	17. I'm the Son of All I've Done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has escalated quickly

**_Tyler._ **

Tyler's tired eyes shot open and he forced his body to a sitting position. He shot his head around his room and his fear only increased. The shadows kept moving and surrounding, every motion resembling a demon depicted in horror films. Sweat beaded Tyler's head and neck, his breath so rapid his extremities felt as though they were no longer his.  _It's the effects of my breathing. I'm hyperventilating. It's okay, I just need to breathe_ , he told himself.

  ** _Oh, but they're not, Tyler. These limbs aren't yours because they're mine. You're mine and you always have been._**

**_A puppet and nothing more, if only Tyler wasn't so sore. Beaten like a dog, and well deserved. The demons will play with the pieces of him, where in his mind they've reserved._ **

 "Stop it," Tyler clenched his eyes shut and shook his head. "You're not real. I'm off my meds. You're not real. I'm off my meds..."

  ** _What's wrong baby boy, you don't want me to exist. How much longer can your mind resist?_**

**_The demons have come for you and they only latch onto evil. So they'll get you. They'll get you because that's all you are, Tyler._ **

 A tear leaked out and down Tyler's cheek, joining the sweat that covered his face. "I-I'm...not...e-evil...."

  ** _STOP LYING TO YOURSELF!_**

 Tyler flinched and covered his ears. He'd brought his knees to his chest at some point and put his head on them. Just feel something, something real, against his skin. He was real and these things weren't. 

  ** _You're evil and you know it because only the evil do what you have done._**

 "I d-didn't d-do any-anything...."

  _ **You could've killed him. You probably did. You're mother hasn't even come home. You stabbed him. You could've stopped but you didn't. You just kept going, Tyler. You kept going because you're just like him. Evil.**_

 "He's not dead.... I'm not like _him._ " Tyler's finger latched onto his hair, pulling it, just trying to feel pain because pain was real. 

**_They'll be here any minute, Tyler. They're coming._ **

 Tyler's eyes shot open when banging and yelling came from the house. He realized his bedroom light was on and the demons were no longer blocking out the light. "Who's that.... Blurry, who's at the door," he whimpered. 

  ** _It's the cops. They've come to take you. Take you away for killing your dad._**

 "Shit...," Tyler breathed and looked around his room, trying to think of what to do. "B-Blurry...I-I'm scared...."

  ** _Get the gun. It's under the pillow. They'll torture you for what you've done. You can't let them take you._**

 Tyler reached for the weapon, gripping it so hard his knuckles turned white. He raced to his bedroom door and listened, ever so slowly twisting the door knob.

 

 ***

 

"Chris, sto-" the man's fist connected with Josh's jaw with enough force to knock him to the floor, not before feeling as though his jaw was force out and snapped itself back into place. 

"Where the fuck is he!" Chris' hurt arm had been in a tight sling but his free arm went straight for his second oldest son's neck, forcing him back into the wall with enough force to crack the surface.

"D-dad-" Zack was cut off by what looked like the sheer force of Chris' hand around his throat. Josh moved up and with all of his weight and force, put his shoulder into Chris' waist, bringing the large man to the ground with him. Josh took advantage of the opportunity and clambered on top of the large man, connecting his own fist with the man's jaw. Josh did it again, then again and was moving to deliver the fourth when he felt his body tossed over onto its side. An elbow his eye, a knee in his stomach and a fist to his nose. After only seconds, the end of a boot went into his stomach.  

 

***

 

Zack grabbed hold of his dad's shoulder, turning the man's attention from Josh. It didn't take much and it didn't take long before a hand cut off his supply of oxygen. This time, his dad pulled him by the neck into his bedroom.

"Chris, _stop!!!_ " All of the shrilling and pleas from his mother wasn't going to stop his dad in this state. Zack felt himself lifted into the air, the hand cutting off what little oxygen he was receiving. When his body planted into the ground, his foot caught the carpet. Zack's knee bent too much and with too much force; he could've sworn he felt something in the joint snap along with his ankle. Zack had barely opened his eyes in time to see his mother slapped into the wall of the hallway outside the bedroom door. She slid down to the ground holding her face, only to be followed by covering from his dad's boot which had been forced into her midsection. His dad turned back around to Zack, pulling from his belt the man's signature buck-knife. Zack began sliding his body backwards in a feeble attempt to escape. Once his back met the wall, all he could do was stare. Arms wrapped around the man's neck and Josh's face was barely in view. Josh was attempting to force him back away from his son. His dad put all of his weight and force into Josh, pushing the student's body into the wall. Josh was barely hanging onto the man when his head bucked back into Josh's nose. Josh fell to the floor and the man proceeded to the boy on the ground. Zack had never felt this before, this overwhelming sensation that he was going to die. His father kicked him in the stomach then put his knee into Zack. Once again, he found it difficult to breath, but this time, it was cool metal against his throat. It was starting to dig.  _I'm sorry, Ty...._

One. Two. Booming noises filled the small space and white plaster and dust fell onto both Zack and his father.

 

***

 

"Get off of him!" 

**_Do it, Tyler. Kill him. Kill him._ **

 The large man turned around in a rage, eyes traveling to the .45 in the teenager's hands and then a look that could've had Tyler pushing up daisies focused on his face. "You little bitch," he hissed through clenched teeth and began barreling over toward the boy. The barrel pointed low and the trigger was squeezed three rapid times over. His ears rang and his vision blurred. Soon, the moans of agony and pain sounded through and over the nearly-unbearable ringing. "You son of a bitch," his father screamed, grabbing at his leg after he'd fallen to the floor. 

"Shut the fuck up!" Tyler stared down at his father with pure hatred and a sudden rush of control. For once, he was in charge, he decided how this ended. 

"I'm going to fucking kill you," his father said. He tried to stand but his knee swiftly buckled under him, the scarlet pool below him ever growing. 

 ** _Put another bullet in him. I want to see him suffer. Come on, do it, Ty._**  

Tyler shook his head, trying to shut the voice behind him up. "The only reason there isn't a bullet between your eyes is because I don't want my brother to watch his piece of shit father die right in front of him," Tyler stated, probably the most honest thing he's said all week. "But if you make one move towards me, Zack or anyone in this shit-hole of a house I won't hesitate and you'll be dead before you hit the ground, so help me god." 

His father grinned but didn't move. "Look who's all grown up and thinks he's a man. What sort of 'man' get's fucked by some old bitch neighbor?"  _What?_

_**What the fuck did he just say.** _

A flood of realization hit Tyler at that moment. He knew his father had left him with 'his friend'. He knew his dad came back like nothing had happened. 

_**ASK HIM!** _

"What the hell are you talking about," Tyler asked, almost in a the voice of a child. 

The wicked man just laughed, "Well, I guess it settled a debt didn't it. So, you're sort of a man, a total faggot, though. Apparently, he liked you enough to get me some free product out of gratitude." Tyler's eyes were wide and his chest was tight. This whole time he thought no one knew, no one had the slightest idea, turns out his dad was the one who'd made it happen. "Oh, don't look so surprised, Tyler. You know you're psychotic ass is only good for one thing, and hell, I thought you'd like it." The man laughed some more. Zack just looked confused, so did Josh out of the corner of his eye. "After a few months, even you were too loose for him."

**_....Kill him or I will...._ **

Tyler felt a hand on his shoulder. Blurry's. The only one who knew. The only one who truly understood. All control left Tyler then. He felt nothing and everything all at the same time. Every emotion, every memory and every ounce of betrayal. And it was calm. It numbed him. His body felt nothing but the hand on his shoulder and the tendons and muscles forcing his finger to bend.

 

***

 

Josh saw it in his friend's eyes. The absence of self. "Ty," Josh whispered from the floor. His friend didn't hear him, though. His muscles twitched and tightened. "TY, NO-"  _Bang._

His brain matter and blood exited his skull, spraying from the back. His neck jerked back and what evil that resided in his eyes dissipated. His body fell to the side and his hair scraped Josh's jeans at his calf. The red pool soaked Josh's shoe. Blood drained from the dead man's nose, red overtook his iris along with plaguing the once white of his eyeball. The ringing in Josh's ears began drifting away, soon filled with screaming. Kelly ran to her husband and dropped her body over him. Crying soon followed from her and the hallway. Jay and Maddie's crying. Josh looked ahead to Zack who's eyes were on his parents alone, his jaw hanging with no acknowledgement of anything else around him.That when Josh looked up at Tyler.

The gun was at his side and his eyes were on his father. His face still had no emotion. Nothing. His eyes were like stones. He wasn't shaking, his breathing was even and his face remained eerily stoic. Tyler slowly back peddled out of the room and disappeared into the hallway. Josh was standing now and moving to follow him to the living room. Tyler stood in the center of the living space and turned around to face Josh. Blue, red and white light came through the window and the sound of shuffling feet through the opened doorway. " _Drop the gun!_ " Tyler didn't move. Just stared straight at Josh who could've sworn Tyler was slowly coming back. 

"I'm sorry..." Tyler's grip loosened and the gun slipped out, landing soundlessly to the floor. His hand were raised now and bodies surrounded him, ordering him to his knees then stomach. 

 

***

 

The handcuffs were cool and mercilessly tight on his wrists. His arms pulled back, his head hung and eyes staring at his moving sneakers that were in tangent with the officer's boots. His mother's hysterical screams and Josh's low protests blended together with the sounds of Maddie and Jay crying. "He didn't do anything...he just...he saved his brother. You can't take him," Josh yelled over the other noises. Blue and red lit the concrete driveway but Tyler only saw blood. Blood and brain matter. Feet quit moving and Tyler forced himself to look up and behind him. Maddie was quiet again as she entered the government van and Jay screamed in the arms of the social worker. Zack was staring at nothing but took Jay in his arms and soon disappeared into the van after Maddie. A crowd of neighbors with mixed expressions in their bathrobes had surrounded the scene. Most focused now on the man sized body bag being slid into the hurse with the hysterical woman thrown over it. "Ty!" Tyler turned his head to look at Josh. His heart, already shattered, turned to dust at the sight of his tearing best friend. Josh was lost, he was terrified and was barely able to struggle against the hands that held him back. Tyler couldn't comfort him or his siblings. He couldn't do anything but be a witness to the aftermath he'd caused.

"Come on, kid," the officer started gently. "Put your head down." The officer's hand helped Tyler follow orders and he moved to sit on the leather seat.

_**Look at what you've done this time, Tyler. You'll never be forgiven for this. God's going to punish you.** _

The door shut and Tyler kept his face forward to stare at the back of the seat. He couldn't look Josh. If he did, he'd break, he knew it. The seat allowed him to bury himself in denial and emotionless recaps of what just happened. Josh's eyes would do the opposite; he'd have to face it and feel everything. He couldn't do that. Not now. Not ever.

_**It's okay, baby boy. We'll still have some fun in your cell. I already have some ideas.** _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to go out with a bang.


	18. The Night Is Coming To An End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

Josh was in his bedroom now at five in the morning. Cops asking questions, more questions, 'it'll be okay kid' then brought him home. 

 

He was paralyzed on the hardwood floor of his bedroom, his back against the door. His breath grew rapid as he re-counted everything that happened. He tugged at his pocket and struggled his phone out. 

 

"Inhale, 1-2-3-4. Hold, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. Exhale, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7."

 

Josh's thumb pressed the screen again. "Inhale, 1-2-3-4. Hold, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. Exhale, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7."

 

Josh pressed it again. "Inhale, 1-2-3-4. Hold, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-"

 

The phone's screen went black indicating the battery was no more. The sun came through the window but Josh stared at his phone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is, my first full fic.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll update on a very erratic (hopefully frequent) basis.
> 
> Comment and tell me what you think. Feedback is always appreciated.


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